I spelled out what I needed

Robert stopped by this morning. It seems he has been trying to call me since Wednesday and hasn't been able to get in touch with me. Now, I haven't received any calls from him on my cell phone but he did say his phone was acting up some. I called him on Wednesday and he said he called me back 20 minutes later but I didn't get the call. As much as I didn't try to do this, maybe now he knows what it feels like not to have someone answer his calls for days on end. Maybe it did him some good.

He asked how I was and I gave him the standard answer of I was managing and doing as best as I could be with everything going on. But that wasn't what he really wanted to hear. I asked if he had time to sit and talk for awhile and he did. I didn't have a lot of time since there was a showing at 10:30 and I had things to get done.

I started by telling him, it was about the same old things I always bring up but with us talking about moving together we needed to discuss them.

I explained to him that I didn't feel like I was in a relationship. Maybe because of the move but something needs to be done because if things are going to be the way they are now, we aren't going to move together. I can't move and bring a relationship that isn't going to work. I reminded him that I can't do everything by myself, yet that is what I've been doing, including moving things I shouldn't be. And I've been working at night. As far as being more open with him, I told him when I feel like talking he is not around, so I'll write and when he does come over, it just doesn't matter any more. I don't want to bring things up any more - what's the point. I told him that if we are going to move together, that I need to see things start to change now, I need to know before moving that we really have a relationship. I can't wait to find out after we move if things are going to work or not.

Some of what he said - cause some of it is still working through my mind.

He said we are both leader type people. He also told me I am stubborn. Yeah, okay I know this but there are ways to approach things which make it so I won't be so stubborn. I reminded him that instead of telling me what he wants done around the house or how he wants things, he needs to suggest and we need to talk about it. The minute he tells me to do something, I'm not going to do it.

With having to show the house, it is a lot cleaner then it has ever been. Actually it doesn't feel like a home at all right now. He told me, he thought I turned around about keeping the house cleaner when he saw it all cleaned up. So, I explained to him, what it was missing - pictures on the wall, knick knacks - things that make it a home. And I didn't clean it because of anything that he said.

Now the one thing that can kill any relationship is money problems and Robert is having his and I'm doing things around the house and trying to pay down the credit card that I put that work on. So, that doesn't help much. When he has something to work on, he pretty much stays to himself and focuses on the problem he needs to take care of. This means that he will spend less time here.

He also decided that he needs to work on getting his things done and I need to work on getting my things done around the house, instead of trying to work together. This meant that we really didn't spend much time together at all and when we did, it really was relaxed time.

I am constantly bringing up that we need to do some fun things. He said that he knows I would like to do things but they cost money and of course that is an issue. I told him, there are things we can do that don't cost a lot of money, even go for a ride. All work and no play. I think he understands this one.

I told him we both need to work together and compromise on things.

He said that he is a fault for not spending enough time here and being here for me.

The ball is in his court so to speak. He knows where things stand. I didn't actually come out and tell him that I would move without him but I did tell him that I couldn't move and bring a relationship that I didn't feel wasn't really there.

I refuse to put myself in a situation of a bad relationship and move to a new place.

I think this time he really listened to me and it sunk in. Somehow the thought of us not moving together might have hit home with him.

When I first brought up the subject of "would things be different when we moved", he said he felt the honestly would. Then I told him that I needed to see it before it we moved. Sometimes a little harsh reality has to hit us before we are willing to open up our eyes to what someone else really needs.

Tomorrow (Sunday), there are a couple of showings and he told me that he was going to come by and pick me up. I have no idea what we are going to do and I don't really care. The point is, he is taking the time to spend time with me when he has other things to do (study for some class at work). I know he will be attentive for awhile what I need to wait and see is, if he works on carrying through with this from now on.

Selling and Moving

It's time for an update on how things are going in respect to moving.

My house will be on the Market at the end of next week. We have not set an actual selling price yet but the high end the real estate agent feels I can put it on the market for is 226,600. We will work out all the details next Thursday when she comes over to fill out the paper work and take pictures.
I'm still in the process of cleaning and clearing things out but I will be ready by next Thursday.

I've been checking out houses in the Wilmington area of NC online for some time. Now that it is getting closer, I've sent Cami some addresses so she can let me know how the areas are and if they are worth moving to. I don't want to end up in an area that I won't be happy in, even if I like the house. This will also cut down on the amount of actual time I need to spend looking at houses.

And today I was told, that I will be able to work from home. All the details are not in place and I don't have the all yet but the way it works is: there is a 3 month trial period to make sure it works for both me and my manager. After that if it is working for us, there are yearly contracts. I'm excited about this. Not only don't I have to look for a job when I move but I won't have to start working at a new place at the same time I start living in a new place.

The only thing that is really up in the air is what is happening with Robert and I for the long term. It's the same old stuff, nothing has changed. I have told him that we need to talk when we both aren't tired.
I want to try to do this differently than we normally do and maybe something different will come out of it.

I've made a list of issues that I need to discuss and I'll ask him to make one also or just add to mine. I would rather he made his own and then we combine them. This way he doesn't try to counter mine.
Once the list is complete, we need to tackle one issue at a time. As it is now, we always end up talking about a number of things and nothing ever changes. I have also found a number of documents online on effective communication that I'm going to ask him to read before we start. Hopefully this will make a difference.

More updates to follow....

The Passing of a Good Man

Wayne passed away on Sunday, the day after Patricks' birthday. Eileen told me that for the last couple of days that Wayne was alive he didn't have any blood pressure but he kept breathing.

Wayne had Alzheimers (sp). It would have been 10 years this June. He was so full of life before he got sick and he was so young. He was only 63 when he passed away. The disease started slow but picked up speed and it took over his body fast. Wayne was not Wayne. He was locked inside himself and couldn't get out. It was so unfair, the disease is so unfair. It had been touch and go for him for awhile now.
Eileen kept him at home and took care of him. She would never consider putting him in a home. She has a heart of gold and the strength that surpasses anyone else that I know. Besides taking care of her husband as he declined, she ran a home daycare and took in foster kids (female teenagers). She didn't do it all alone, her sister lives with her and has helped her out.

Patrick has just turned 20 and like anyone else has had a difficult time over the years adjusting to what was happening to his father. He has adjusted. I think he learned to accept what, in the end was going to happen no matter what. He has written a couple of poems that I haven't had a chance to read yet but I will. He has some deep thoughts and good insights. When his grandmother passed away he wrote a poem for her expressing his feelings and it was excellent.

I read tonight a writing done by Waynes' granddaughter. She was 9 when he got sick and she didn't get it and didn't want to talk about it. The writing talked about her feelings through her years. How she didn't want to talk about it or accept it. How she learned more about what was happening. How she was angry and thought she was the only one. It went on for a full page that was typed. I hadn't cried until I read this. What she wrote, what she had inside was beautiful. She got it, she understood that her grandpa was a peace but he wasn't really gone.

Eileen and Wayne have been a part of my life about 17 1/2 years. They are just like family. Just ask Becky, she is family. She can come and go as she pleases in that house and no one thinks anything of it. She has worked for Eileen over the summer once she was too old to be one of the "day care kids".

I have to question in the big picture of life, what is Gods' plan to take the life out of a man that has so much to give. Sure, it taught a lot of people about a terrible disease and that people can rally together and love each other to pull through and go on. But why take someone so good, with so much to give to others, with so many who love him? Why is it always the good that have to go, that have to suffer?

I don't understand. I don't think I will ever understand.

Must be one of the top 10 Tacky B-day cards!

My birthday is just around the corner and even though I don't talk to my family and I've made it clear to them I don't want anything to do with them, my "sister" and "father" feel they must send cards for my b-day and Christmas.

I received a card from my "sister" today. Probably one of the better cards she sent since it was very plain and if she would have just left it at that, all she would have done was waste her money one more time. I have yet to figure out why they keep sending cards when they know I don't want any contact.

I guess she figured as long as she was going to spend the $.39 to mail the stupid card she may as well pass along some "family" news. Now, even before I distanced myself from my so called family, this family excluded my "sister" and I from just about every event that happened since my parents separated and were divorced. And if it didn't happen right away, it did happen over time. So except for a select few, there was no closeness with the "family" before I put the distance in place.

That being said, written in the b-day card from my "sister" was the following (and I am quoting this):

'And I wish to let you know that Aunt Imelda's son Michael died ...Cancer, and cousin Delphis' son Richard has been in CCU at Windham ... basically a cold turned into pneumonia.'

I had an uncle who passed away a few months ago, my "father" called to tell me. I didn't bother to ask why no one bother to tell me he was sick. Again, no one told me Michael was sick, but thought I should know he "died". I suppose I was told about Richard only because the bitch was sending a card anyway.

I hardly remember some of these people and some I don't remember at all. Yes, I feel bad that they have passed but they haven't been a part of my life and it has no impact - though I guess some feel it should.

So as I wait for the next unwanted b-day card to show up, I'll have to wonder if that will contain any news that I don't care about.

.....

The "JOY" of Relationships

This has been a difficult week, at best. Robert and I have been at odds over a number of things and the tension just seems to grow.
He is finally getting over having pneuonia and getting his strength back and I think that has something to do with the way things have been. Yes, we've had problems in the past but this time it has been worse.

To do a quick sum of what is happening - what it comes down to is, if things aren't his way or I don't do things the way he suggest, then I'm being defensive. If I try to explain why I did or didn't, it is just an excuse.

OKay - there has been a slight delay in the typing of my blog. Some of you may know that awhile back that I was "seeing" things. Well, come to find out that the mouse that I thought I saw one day is really, real. I know that because while I was typing something ran across the floor and I was: oh shit, here we go again. But this time, I got up and went and looked. Very carefully. I moved the couch out and there looking up at me was a little mouse face. Now what to do because I don't know how to catch it and if I do it will stay trapped somehow until Robert comes over and takes care of it.
The real "fun" - how do I sleep tonight knowing that there is a mouse running around in the house?

Now - back to the featured show.

On the subject of being defensive, Robert has a habit of saying things with a very stern, harsh voice. I have asked him not to do that and to try and say things differently, but he hasn't. I informed him, that how he says things makes me go on the defensive.
He has asked me to not raise my voice when we are having a discussion and I do all that I can to make sure I don't do that. In that regard, I have asked him to try and say what he feels he needs to differently. If I can try, then he should be able to. He finally agreed to trying.
I am not asking for the world, just what is fair in a relationship. I have told him it is not always what he says but how he says it.

He hasn't been around much which always gets to me. I understand that he hasn't been feeling great and is on the road to recovery. When I don't feel well, I like to be alone. So I understand to some degree him not coming over.
He also says that everyone sometimes need their own space and I also agree with that. What I don't agree with is needing almost 2 weeks of your own space.
He says he is also trying to keep his stress level down. My response was, so I'm raising your stress level. He tells me no - I have a hard time with that. Though Pam tells me that guys get stressed out just from being in a relationship.
I'm just trying to keep an open mind.

Another good one is: he tells me he doesn't feel that I respect a man when it comes to being in a relationship and having someone around and helping me.
He says this because I've lived alone for so long.
I told him he is wrong. I also told him that he hasn't given me a chance. He doesn't spend that much time here when he does come around so I don't understand how he can judge how I would react when he is around more.

He has told me that he doesn't feel we could pack things in the house at the same time. That we would do things differently. This, though we have never tried. If we haven't given it a chance how does he know it won't work.

I have explained both sides of everything to Pam. I am trying to be as fair as I can about all of this. It doesn't do me any good if Pam doesn't know everything.

Pam's take on it: he's the guy and he want's to have the upper hand in the relationship and when I don't do what he wants or what he feels I should be doing, he calls that being defensive. If he is looking for someone who will do what he says he has the wrong person.
I will not let Robert or anyone take away my voice or my choices in life. He will either need to adjust to that, if that is what is going on or things will never work out.

He does get credit for admitting he does need therapy (a guy who admits he should be in therapy - very rare). The thing is he has crappy insurance and can't afford to go.
He loses that credit when he comes back with, I'm lucky that I've had the benefit of therapy. True, I'm lucky but I really didn't have a choice. Without therapy, I'm not sure where I would be or if I would be. I would have had to find therapy some way, some how if I was going to survive life.

I could go on and on but I'll spare you. It's enough to say that things have been tense between us lately but we are going to try again. There needs to be some give and take on both sides. I believe he feels it is all my "fault" and I am the one who needs to change, I told him we both need to make changes.

I would also like to have both of us write down what we feel a relationship should be and compare what we list to see how close we are.

Time to make something to eat - and watch for the mouse.

Oh bother.....

Putting off Ironing!

What I should be doing right now is ironing. I just can't get myself to do it right now. I've been "decluttering", otherwise known as packing so I can get my house on the market. This is otherwise made fun by the pain in my knee that just gets worse during the day by the more that I do. The thing is, I haven't figured out how to get things done without doing them myself. Yup, I can ask for help but that help is not always around when I am ready to do things so I find it easier to do it myself - except for the pain. I've been icing it and putting heat on it and it doesn't seem to matter. What helps the most is just staying off of it but I find it difficult to get things done around the house without walking.

Today is one of those days that I wish I had already moved and was in NC. Who needs 2 feet, yes 2 feet of snow! Not I, and I'm sure not a lot of other people. The only good thing about the snow is I was forced to be inside all so I did get a lot done. Oh yea - the bad thing is the pain.

The offer is still out there for any of you who have extra time on your hands to help me pack. Just bring some boxes with you.
Also, the china is still here so if you know anyone who might want it, let me know.
There is a dresser in the basement and a hutch that I am willing to part with. I have been using the bottom part of the hutch but the top part is in the basement. The glass on one of the doors needs to be replaced but otherwise it is in good shape.

I may be willing to part with other items. In the long run it just might be cheaper to buy once we move since the cost to move is done by weight and some of what I have is heavy furniture.

All I know is I will be happy when the "decluttering" part of the packing is done and the house can go on the market. I know I will have to keep the house clean but trying to get everything cleaned out but keeping enough stuff out to live is a task that sucks at times.

Well, the clothes still need to be ironed. No one has done them for me. So, I will hobble over and get that chores done before I lose the very last bit of energy I have.

Now - to wait for the warm-up this week so the 2 feet of snow will melt.

Where does the time go?

Already it's Feb. 1st. How did that happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that it was the first of the new year? Where does the time go and why does it have to go by so fast?

I have started packing/decluttering and sometimes I think there will never be an end to how much stuff there is in this house. Of course there is 20 years of stuff to go through. I am attempting and so far I am actualling accomplishing this - do some cleaning/packing every day no matter how little or how much. I figure if I take one day off, that will lead to another and another and .... you get the picture.

Just like everyone, I have things in my house that I don't use or need.
There is a long dresser (yes Bernie, it is the one from the apartment in Hartford) in my basement that I am willing to give away. There are other pieces of furniture that I am probably willing to part with. I also have a set of China (either 6 or 8 place settings), that I have never used and don't ever plan on using. If you know anyone who wants these items let me know. Arrangements can be made for someone to pick them up. Cost: best offer.

Oh and just a little humor for anyone who has ever been on call for work.
Last night a production job abended. The command center at work called the beeper but the person who was on call never uses it because he is always at home and will always answer the phone. Well, somehow his phone number in the call list got changed so when they called him, they obviously didn't get him.
As they are suppose to, they called the next person on call. She has just been added to the call list and I'm her "buddy". Well since she wasn't on call and was just backup to the person on call, her phone was not in her bedroom so when she got called - she didn't hear her phone ring. Being next in line, they called me but when I go into a sound sleep, there is no waking me. The phone maybe 3 feet from my head rang long enough for them to leave a message. They proceeded to call the next person on the list who at least answered his phone but didn't know how to correct the problem so he called someone who could help him. The decision - force complete the job and wait until normal work hours to fix the problem.
I noticed the job abened when we received the "hang report" email. Then I checked my voice mail at home.
The funny part of all this is - we are going to be switching from a beeper to a cell phone for on call. I keep telling them I can sleep through a ringing phone but this is what they want to do.

The good news, I may never have to get up in the middle of the night again.

Time for an Update

A lot is happening in my life right now and I think it calls for an update.
Robert and I are going to be moving to North Carolina this year.
I spent the past week interviewing Real Estate Agents. Talk about taking in more information than one can absorb at a time. I talked with 4 agents and now to review the data and decide which one to use.

The "fun" is about to begin. It's time to unclutter the house. Read - start packing and putting things out of site. Also there is some work to be done to get the house ready to sell. Not major work, but it still has to be completed.
It will probably be March by the time the house is ready to hit the market.

You all do know you are welcome to come over, with boxes in hand, and help to pack and unclutter. I will not turn away a willing worker.

I suppose that once the house is on the Market, I will need to seriously scan the Market in NC and contact the agent there and get things moving.
I'm told that my house will sell in 30 - 60 days but it could be as few as 5.

I am still hoping to be able to tele-commute and keep my job when we move. As the time gets closer, I will work with my boss on what will happen. They can't flat out tell me no since one of the guys moved to GA last year and he is tele-commuting. They would have to have a good reason to not allow me to do the same.

That about covers everything to date on the house.

For those of you who don't already know, my daughter made the Dean's list her first semester of college and with the exception of squeezing by in Geography, she had 1 B and the rest A's.
She heads back to school tomorrow and classes resume on Monday. Some of her classes will be some what easy since her High School History and English classes, though Honor classes were taught like they were college level courses.

That about covers everything for me. I'm tired and it's time to relax.
Oh BTW - who's turn is it to take the clothes out of the dryer?

Time for an Update

A lot is happening in my life right now and I think it calls for an update.
Robert and I are going to be moving to North Carolina this year.
I spent the past week interviewing Real Estate Agents. Talk about taking in more information than one can absorb at a time. I talked with 4 agents and now to review the data and decide which one to use.

The "fun" is about to begin. It's time to unclutter the house. Read - start packing and putting things out of site. Also there is some work to be done to get the house ready to sell. Not major work, but it still has to be completed.
It will probably be March by the time the house is ready to hit the market.

You all do know you are welcome to come over, with boxes in hand, and help to pack and unclutter. I will not turn away a willing worker.

I suppose that once the house is on the Market, I will need to seriously scan the Market in NC and contact the agent there and get things moving.
I'm told that my house will sell in 30 - 60 days but it could be as few as 5.

I am still hoping to be able to tele-commute and keep my job when we move. As the time gets closer, I will work with my boss on what will happen. They can't flat out tell me no since one of the guys moved to GA last year and he is tele-commuting. They would have to have a good reason to not allow me to do the same.

That about covers everything to date on the house.

For those of you who don't already know, my daughter made the Dean's list her first semester of college and with the exception of squeezing by in Geography, she had 1 B and the rest A's.
She heads back to school tomorrow and classes resume on Monday. Some of her classes will be some what easy since her High School History and English classes, though Honor classes were taught like they were college level courses.

That about covers everything for me. I'm tired and it's time to relax.
Oh BTW - who's turn is it to take the clothes out of the dryer?

A New Year

It's 8 days into the new year and I've yet to update everyone on what is happening.

First of all, I ran into Debbie at the grocery store today. Okay, I didn't actually run into her, but I almost had to trip her so she would see me. She lives in her own little world in the grocery store, I can't imagine how she knows what she is buying. I managed to avoid my shopping for about 20 more mins while chatting but then I needed to move on.

We have a new manager at work that we are trying to break in. He seems alright so far and I need to remember he doesn't know our systems. He is constantly looking for information or seeing if we need him to step in for us to get things done. We'll get him trained soon so he doesn't drive us crazy. The one thing we need to break him of is the weekly staff meeting he has set up. He says for only as long as we need them. Most of us don't want them at all but, he is trying to learn so we gave him some leway. These better not last long because they really are a big waste of time.

Customers not knowing their job. That is what I've been dealing with. They either don't follow through on what they are trying to do or they try to get someone else to do their job. After 6 days off from work, I got stressed out my first day back to work.

The people in the business centers just process transactions without checking all the information all the time or if the transaction doesn't work in one system they will do it in ours and when it doesn't work - they blame us. Let's not find out why it didn't work in the system that issued the policy, that would take time on their part.

Then I have one customer who doesn't know the difference between a project plan and a test plan. She also doesn't understand why I am telling her she needs to write a test plan for me to do my testing (she is on the business side) but I don't have one she can use as an example. How hard is it to put down what steps have to take place, who is responsible for them and when they start and end? She woud rather try to get me to do this but I won't. She doesn't get that I can't go any further with my testing on the project until I get this but since it's not their priority, it isn't going to get done right away.

On a bright note - I finally was able to get my CPAP machine and I am starting to feel more rested. It is amazing how much better one can feel in the morning when they don't stop breathing in their sleep. Now we just have to see if my sleep walking goes away and if I stop seeing things.

For now that is about it.

It's Almost Christmas

Christmas is only about 7 days away and I haven't finished my Christmas shopping yet. This is NOT like me. This means I need to go into stores when they are crowded and I hate the thought of doing that. The good news is, I don't need that much and if I don't get everything, it will just wait. I can't deal with shopping at this late date and I started to late to do everything by mail. Oh well, I will do the best I can and no one will be left out.

On a brighter note - I asked Robert to come to Mom and Dad's on Christmas with me and he is actually considering it. This is better than the no answer I usually get or the implied no that I usually get. I will gently work on this over the next week. He knows it's important for me to go and be with my "family" on the holiday and I will go no matter what he will say.

And did anyone happen to hear World War III that took place in Boomfield on Monday night? I'm not sure how you could have missed it. The good news is there were no causilties of war and everything is okay between us. Maybe better than okay. I think in a way we needed to go there and get all the shit out of our systems. On Tuesday we were able to sit down and talk like adults (though I am reluctant to say adults because that implies I've grown up and I've figured out what I'm going to be as an adult - and that isn't true).

Work has been interesting lately. Management (those people you don't trust when they are in their business roles) are telling us that everything is good, we are taking on more work and we don't have to worry about our jobs. They are not planning on off shoring our positions, just those systems which will be sunset (going away in a year or 2). We are also going to be taking on more work over the next year. Some of it will stay with us but most of it will go off shore since it will be sunset.
To this note, on Jan 3rd, the area I work in gets to break in a new manager. Our manager who we don't want to lose is going to be handling the area where most of the work will be off-shore. She is doing this now and also trying to be there for us and she is spread too thin.
It seems every time we turn around there is something new being done in the area. Not that I mind change but it would be nice to leave things alone for awhile.

But, no matter what management tells us about keeping our jobs because the upper management is happy with our work and they could get rid of us at any time, I just don't trust them. Our director says he is telling us everything but I've heard that line before, more than once.

Only time will tell. I will just go with the flow and do what needs to be done. You can't fight the system, just go with it.

Professionals or NOT?

Are there really any professionals left out there?
I've had a leak in my bathroom ceiling. The company I've been dealing with have tried the smaller cheaper fixes (which I agreed to), why replace the roof if you don't have to. We thought the leak was fixed and except for repainting the bathroom ceiling, they had the ceiling patched and the work was done.
Well, the rain over the weekend has proved that the leak is somewhere under the first layer of roofing tiles. I called the company on Saturday. The second time, the called me back and I was told they probably wouldn't be able to get out and put a tarp on my roof right away.
Well, the rain slowed down but I didn't hear anything from them on Monday so Tuesday morning I called them back and around 11 I received a call from them stating they've been working 24/7 because of the rain on Friday and they didn't know when they would be able to get out and do anything. He suggested I call a roofer. I wonder how he expects me to find a roofer to come out if they are so busy they don't have time to come and put a tarp on the roof.
So I called a couple of people yesterday who, as expected did not call me back.
I will need to try and make calles today while I'm at work. Not only will I have to have at least part of the roof re-done, the work to patch the ceiling has to be re-done. When I know the leak is fixed, I'm and going the have the ceilings in the house painted.
I think I'm getting jerked around because: it's not a big job compared to some of the others they have and I'm female and they figure I don't know what I'm talking about. I do know, they will not get my business any more and I will not recommend them to anyone. I can't believe all the work they have scheduled is from current customers.

And to make matters just a little more exciting, that little excitment yesterday killed the relaxed attitude that I had since I had take a couple of vacation days. I go back to work today, all worked up, having to try to squeeze in phone calls between dealing with people who are suppose to know what they are doing and don't.

I can't get away from it. I already know that there is going to be a meeting about why "we" need to support something since the area we feed the information to doesn't want to support it. It is an uppermanagement directive that we support it. What seems to be the problem here? This other area has a lot to do and is short staffed from my understanding but that isn't my problem, they should just hire more off shore programmers - that seems to be the way of the company. This is also one of those wonderful systems that at some point in the near future we are going to have to take over and support.

Isn't life just wonderful. You can do everything you are suppose and still get slapped in the face because other people are idiots and not competent to do their job.

I for one can't wait to get out of the rat race.

How to Put 48 Pounds of ...

How do you put 48 pounds of shit ... sorry, I mean how do you put 48 hours of work into a 40 hour work week?

That is the question that we were basically asked by the director of our area this week. What they really mean is - if you can't take on more work and do it right, we will just have to outsource the work.

We were told on Thursday that as the Production Support area we will be taking on a number of other systems starting around the end of the year. I'm not sure of the exact number of systems or the current number of employees which support those systems. Let us just say that whatever the number of systems are, there are 20 people supporting those systems today. When the all famous "we" take on those systems, we may get 5 of those employees who support those systems today. The systems will be documented either before they come over or shortly after. Doing this documentation, called Knowledge Acqusition (sp) Process is very time consuming and you really can't work on anything else while involved in the documentation process.

Once the system has been documented, the production support area owns it. We take over the on-call, handle any fixes, keep all software at the current level and so on and so on.

Anyway, our task for the next week is to come up with something that we do that possibly we no longer need to do, that could save at least a day a month if not more.
Some of the task may be able to go to the customer area to be done and they will take them on once they are done screaming about having to do the extra work. Maybe we do something because it's always been done that way but no one ever uses it.

The way I see things in aother year or 2, we will not have jobs because we are not born in India. To many jobs are being outsourced to the India work force. I don't blame the little guy. They are just trying to make a buck like we are it is the corporate world that is after the almighty dollar. Hiring workers from India saves companies a lot of money and that makes the bottom line looks better.

So - I just want to know how we figure out what items we drop out of our everydays task so we can cram more shit (read work) into our work day.

The Day After

There were 5 of us from AMES that showed up at Cindy's wake last night. The family was surprised that people who hadn't associated with in in 10 - 15 years would even remember her, never mind show up at her wake to pay their respects.
Her husband remembered a couple of us. Her parents and brothers never met us but we stood there and tried to figure out when Cindy had left AMES because they couldn't remember.
I think her husband, Richard is going to be okay in time. He's not afraid to ask for help, it's just going to be hard living his life now after living his life as her life for the past 2 years.

Most of us know that we should cherish our family and friends, they are the most precious things we have in our lives. Don't forget this and don't let the time with them slip by. Don't forget to save the small things in life from those you care about and love. The had at the wake last night and memory album with some thank you notes that Cindy had written to her grand parents, pictures of when she was growing up, school pictures, all sorts of family pictures, college graduation pictures and the most precious of all - from the cruise she took in Feb. with her husband, brother and sister-in-law. They had a picture of her kissing a dolphin. She made the most of that cruise - really went all out to enjoy herself and I'm glad she got to take it.

One of her brothers took the time to make a DVD of a number of pictures they had and they played it at the wake. It was very nice. You could tell they were actually trying to celebrate her life.

Remember the good times that you have with those closest too you and always try to live for today. If you have young children, start to save whatever you can, build scrap books with them and get them involved. Make sure your children get to know their grandparents if at all possible and anyone else who will enrich their lives.

Last night had a major impact on me, seeing everything that Cindy's family had saved over the years and were able to put together. A sharp contrast from the number of pictures that were found from my childhood.

And just a point I would like to put down here before I sign off for today: Cindy's passing has had a bigger impact on me, then when my own mother passed away almost 3 years ago. That is one heavy statement since it has been 12 - 15 years since I have seen Cindy and only started emailing her once I found out she had cancer.

Sad Day

I get up every day and log on to check my email and read the obits before going to work. Yes, I read the obits. It is the only way that I will know anything about anyone that I know from when I was growing up. Also, a friend of mine has been trying to win the battle with cancer - she lost that battle on Sunday and it was in the obits today. It's a hell of a thing to read on 4:30 in the morning. There is no one to call. I just sat here, sort of in shock. Just because I knew it was going to happen, doesn't mean when it does, it is any easier.

There were emails and IM's and phone calls going on all morning. There will be a number of us who worked with Cindy at Ames, going to the wake on Thursday night.

Cindy was without a doubt, one of the best co-workers and then bosses anyone could have asked for. She was fair, kind, understanding and easy to talk with.

I am probably the only person she banned from going into the computer room.

She cared about her job and the people who worked for her. You weren't just another body in her department. You wanted to do your share and make sure you did your job right.

She was an amazing manager and co-worker. There were a number of us who "grew up" together at AMES.

The shock of this will take some time to get over. But I would like anyone who reads this to remember, that life is precious and material things just don't matter all that much.

Cindy took a cruise in March (I believe it was) and when she came home, she told me it was nice to feel "normal" for a week. I am glad that she was able to do that for herself. Shortly after that time, is when things started to get worse for her but, she never gave up fighting.

The College Freshman

Yes, Becky is at College and has been there since Tuesday when her father and step-mother moved her in. I talked with her briefly today and she was off with some of the other girls, or should I say, young adults, and was down in Bridgeport. One of the girls in the dorm comes from Bridgeport and they are staying the night at her house and they were all checking out the boats. Tough life they have right now. That all changes on Monday when they begin classes so I'm glad they are getting out there and having some fun.

Becky sounds good. I know classes haven't started yet and things can change but so far so good. She has made new friends in the dorm already and that is a good thing. I had no doubt in my mind that she would be okay. I asked her to call me Monday or Tuesday after she had been to a few classes and let me know how things are going.

All and all - things are positive and on a bright note if you know anything about her Dad, he hasn't called her once and that must really be "killing" him to not have control of her life.

Until next time ...

More than meets the eye

I was chatting with my cousin from Florida the other day and she was saying how she was remembering all the summers she spent at our house when we were growing up (all I remember is one). She thinks it would be a good idea to get her daughter and my daughter together so they can get to know each other. Stranger request if you ask me. The 2 young ladies haven't seen each other since they've been about 4 years old, they are not 18 years old. They have not kept in touch to talk with each other, just birthday and holiday cards.

I personally can't imagine that the two of them have anything besides hockey in common and they are totally different people in the way they were raised.
My cousin has tried to get me to go down and go for a 4 day cruise with her but I have to keep reminding her, that I have to pay air fare and it's not cost effective for me.

For now I have put her off. She teaches and starts school down there on Aug 2nd and her daughter will be starting college and Becky will be starting college. I don't know when we will be able to get together. I think there is more behind this then the 2 girls getting to know each other, I think she is going to try to get information out of me. I am very cautious about how much information about myself that I tell her. She will tell her mother and then it has a very good chance of getting back to my sister, which means it gets back to the man who calls himself my father.

My cousin and I are not that close that I want her trying to get information out of me or end up going somewhere with her and my aunt and my aunt starting in on me. She doesn't get how I feel about things and why I have handled things the way I have. Someday they will ask one to many times and they will hear the truth and it just might not be any good for their health.

So, to make a very long story short, I just don't trust what might seem like a very simple request on my cousins part. That simple request could end up causing me a lot of aggrevation that I don't need in my life.
And besides all that, she never really pushed and tried to get the girls to know each other all those other years, why the big push now? One has to wonder. Or, at least I do.

Did You know?

That when you are in REM sleep you are suppose to be paralyzed from the neck down! I didn't know that until last night when I went for my sleep study and it was explained to me. Though some of us during REM sleep actually move around. This just means that our bodies aren't getting the rest that is needed so we can function properly the next day.

The sleep study: I can't even tell you how many wires they actually attached to my head with this cement like stuff (that I'm still trying to get out of my hair). They put sensors above your eyes, on your legs, an ekg patch and something to check your breathing. And let's not forget the sensor that goes on your finger to check for the oxygen level.

It takes a little getting used to being all "wired" up but sleep I did. The good news is, I didn't have enough episodes during my sleep where they needed to put a mask on me but I did have some episodes. The report will go to my doctor and he will determine if I need to go back and get fitted for a mask.
I was told that I move around a lot and I did snore but, not as loud as some have told me I do!

I managed to stay in bed all night and not get up and walk around, which I guess is a good thing since I couldn't go very far all hooked up to those wires.

Now it's just a matter of waiting for the results to get to my doctor and for him to contact and let me know what the next step is.

My next "fun" medical activity is a colonoscopy in August.

And then I need to get my TSH level tested, watch what I eat, exercise - all in the name of good health. No one should have this much fun

Tom Cruise Says ....

I don't know if you've heard or read any of what Tom Cruise has said about the use of Anti-depressants or other psyciatric drugs but this has angered me. He feels they don't help, they actually hurt people in the long run. There are natural products that can help and the meds just mask/or help you cope with what is going on.

Well, I thought the whole point of the meds was to make life easier, while you tried to figure out what was causing all the pain and turmoil to begin with. Yes, we know that to get off these meds, we must ween ourselves off under doctor supervision. We also know, that for some of us, who have had major depressive episodes, these meds are life savers. Some people wouldn't be here if it was not for these meds. Those natural products don't always work and they are not regulated so you never know how much of the product you are really getting.

I would like to see Tom Cruise if he was battling Major Depression and the natual ways did not work. Would he still say medications were not the way to go if he couldn't get himself out of bed in the morning? Thinking of suicide all the time? Couldn't get himself to do anything? Sometimes medication is all about getting yourself to a point where you are able to function, jump start yourself, so you can move onto the next step.

I for one hope, that most people don't take what he says to heart and start to take themselves off medication. Coming off medication is a decision that has to be made with your therapist, doctor and yourself. If you are on multiple medications, you need to decide which one goes first. Tom Cruise is actually doing a unjustice to the public who can be so vulnerable.

I don't usually get so passionate about these issues but when someone who is in the public eye comes out against something, which a large number of the population uses for many different reasons, one can only pray, the public is smarter than to fall right into his trap without at least speaking to their therapist.

Vacation Re-lived

First of all my therapist, Pam, told me last night that I need to book another cruise since I'm doing so much better than when I left. Now, to figure out where to go and see if I can afford to do this. I can always find the vacation time - just need to work around other peoples vacations.

My first comment is, if you live close to the port of embarkation, take a Limo and save yourself the hassle of driving in the traffic and all the rest of it that comes along with self-park. It was great being picked up at my house, having someone put the luggage in the trunck and being driven to the port. No driving, no traffic worry, what a way to start the vacation! !

We were at the port early enough to do pre-boarding check-in. There was a wait after that until they were ready to let us board the ship but once that process started, it was a breeze to get on the ship. Since we had done the pre-boarding, it was a matter of getting our sail and sign card, our boarding picture and our picture for the sail and sign card. The off to find OUR cabin. Home for the 8 day cruise. When we got to our cabin - we unpacked a few things, checkout out our extended balcony and up to the Lido deck for Lunch.

Of course there was the mandatory Life Boat Drill. There we met one of the entertainers (but didn't know it then), Tony Ray, who was one of the crew in charge of our muster station.
Once that was over we were free to roam around and then get ready for dinner. We left port 2 hours late since re-fueling the ship took longer than planned. We missed the statue of Liberty on the way out for multiple reasons: we were in the dining room, from our balcony we would have been on the wrong side of the ship. But, that's okay - we are on our cruise and nothing will spoil that.

Our table mates showed up for dinner somewhat late since they wanted to watch the ship leave port. They were very nice and their names are: Cookie and Eileen. We had a great time at dinner when all 4 of us managed to get there.
Sunday was the first formal night and Bernie and I slept right through dinner. I guess that is what being relaxed does to a person. We woke up and left the cabin at different times and didn't catch up to each other the rest of the evening.
Bernie ended up at the Casino Bar and that is where she found Tony Ray entertaining the crowd. The Casino Bar became the "hang out" place of the week when Tony was playing. It was a lot of fun, even though Tony could hardly talk. The show became a sing-a-long, even though that is not what it starts out as. After that night I started to join Bernie at the bar. It was a lot of fun.

They had horseracing, yes I said horseracing, on the ship and Bernie and I manage to buy a horse. We had to decorate the hourse, write some hitory about the horse and provide some information on the hourse as to what races s/he has run.
The horses needed to be carried all around with you, it was one way to adertise your horse.
It is a lot of fun and if you have a chance to play on your next cruise, I would sugget that you buy one.
We didn't win the horse race or any of the other prizes but we had a great time none the less.

I enjoyed the 4 sea days that we had. They were very relaxing. We played some bingo. Can't resist trying to win some money or on the last day a free cruise. I didn't play the other games they did in the lounge but I did listen and they were fun. I'm just not good enough at trivia and such to play.

The visits to the Islands were fun, except San Juan. It poured while we were in San Juan and we stayed on the ship. There is just no fun in shopping in the pouring rain.
We went shopping in St. Thomas and did the Kon Tiki Party Tour and in Tortola, we went to Virgin Gorga. The only thing is, we just didn't have enough time there. I want to go back when there is more time.

Over all, the cruise was marvaleous and I would do it all over again.

Now to find a cruise for next year and figure out when I can book it.

Signing off for now....