So where have I been?????

So, where have I been? What makes you think that I am back? I'm still wandering around looking for me. But even if I don't find me, come May 13th, I will be on the Carnival Legend in NY leaving on a cruise! ! Yes, people, it is that close and I can't wait for a well needed vacation. It's been about 2 years since I last went on a cruise and a lot has happened in that time. I need some "me" time and chill out time and let's not forget the PARTY time! My daughter reminds me constantly that I owe her big time for her 18th b-day since it takes place while I'm on the cruise. This is the same child who gets nothing from either household and is so deprived we should be reported (year right!). When you are all done laughing, you can continue.

I went out shopping for clothes yesterday for work/cruise and talk about being depressed. I did find some pants and tops but I was so frustrated. I told my daughter when she was going to try on a couple of dresses that if she didn't hurry up, I was going to lose it right there in the store. Well, I survived the shopping trip and until someone figures out how to make me lose weight fast, I don't want to shop for clothes again! Ever!

For those of you who don't know, I quit smoking in Feb. It was a little tough and I still crave them once in a while but I'm over the worst of it.

Also, about 3 weeks ago, I went back on Seroquel because I was anything but stable. I couldn't stand being with myself, never mind the fact that Robert didn't know how to handle my mood swings. I spent weeks getting stressed and overwhelmed before I decided the best thing to do was go back on the med.

Things have leveled out and I'm trying to stay on top of things so I don't get stressed out. There are some anger issues showing back up that I thought I had dealt with and put to bed. Now, to figure out how to get what I need (once I figure out what that is) and try to put this anger to rest again. We think it's because Becky will be taking another big step in her life soon and once again things are being done so much different for her then they were for me. Yadda Yadda Yadda...

I hate those things that run in cycles and in the words of a therapist (and not Pam), especially when you don't have control over it.

So, in between keeping my anger in check, getting things ready to pack, working, I need to call and set up an appt. for an in-take for a psycho-educational group at UConn in Farmington. It is a 12 week program and starts in the beginning of May.

It is different than other groups I've been too - this is mainly educational, they really aren't looking for people to share their own stuff.

Okay...so that's what's been happening in my life.........

The Latest

There hasn't been a whole lot going on overall but to keep you up to date on the few things that have been going on, it's time to update everyone.

My friend Maggie (who has Lupus) has found out that her 23 yr old daughter also has Lupus. They had her daughter tested about 6 months ago and all was well. And because she wasn't improving (headaches and joint/muscle pain), they had her retested and found out that she does indeed have Lupus.

Yesterday (2/10), I quit smoking. I will see how long this last. My biggest problem has been the anxiety that comes along with quitting. There are times I can't stand being around myself, it gets so bad.

Today, I am sending the letter to my "aunt" and telling her what her husband did to me all those years ago. It will be interesting to see if I hear anything back from her and how long it will take to hear from her. If I do hear from her it will be interesting to see is she knows anything.

After today, it's a matter or waiting. But, I also know, that I may never get a response from.

Oh Well. That is is and I really need to get ready for work.

Have a good day - since we dodge the last snow storm.

I will be sending a Letter

I saw my therapist last night and she is not discouraging me about sending the letter to my aunt. All she is asking is, I wait a couple of weeks to make sure I'm stable after having a hard time. She doesn't want this to toss me right back where I was and I can't argue with her. I also need to talk to Robert and let him know what I'll be doing. I'm not sure he'll understand my need but I feel he needs to know because there is the possibility of all sorts of emotions going on around this. It's not nice to spring emotions on him, if I know they might be coming.

I have a number of choices on what to send. I have the letter I wrote just this week, full of anger, I have the one I sent the Bastard almost 2 years ago. I could send both of these or I could send the one I sent the Bastard with a different letter with it. These 2 weeks will also give me time to figure this out.

In a perfect world, I would be able to confront the Bastard in person. I can't do that without picturing myself turning into that scared little girl. Pam things I could do it. If it were something I was going to do, it would have to be done with professionals around. For now, I am taking the safe way.
I know what I really want is for him to admit to me, what he really did and I'm sure I will never get that. But, telling his wife will at least make him admit that he did (unless he dances around it). I don't know how she'll react, and personally, that isn't my problem. If anyone calls me, I don't have to talk to them. I know it's a possibility and I'll deal with it, if it happens. Pam and I have time to talk about it.

That's the latest. I will let you know what I decide.

Finally - The Holiday Season is OVER

I am happy to say that the holiday season is over. I enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas with Bernie at her parents house.

From the middle of November even until now, I've been having a hard time. It's a very tough time of the year for me, as it is for most survivors. It has been made more difficult by the passing of my mother in Nov 2002. It seems a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had pushed away since then decided they were going to surface this year. My feelings have been all over the place, not helped at all by the lack of sleep. My sleep seems to be getting better at this point, so I can only hopes that it lasts. I tried Sonata for sleeping. I stayed on it for 3 nights and stopped it. It actually made me worse with the side effects. I must have cried for a week, it messed so with my emotions. Though, "they" tell me crying is not a bad thing. I bet "they" haven't cried for a week!

So, I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas came along. Becky decorated the house with my Christmas Village (which I didn't want up). So, I didn't just have to deal with the tree being up, I had to deal with the Christmas Village as well. She gets so excited over the holidays, that I will never take them away from her no matter what I have to go through. I couldn't do that to her.

Christmas night, I started to take down the Christmas stuff and it did take me a few days to get everything put away. But I couldn't keep it all up. Then, along came New Years Eve, probably the hardest of all the holidays for me to get through. A day or so before New Years Eve, I started having a very hard time. The urges increased and all I could do was fight them. As far as I knew, Pam was away and I wasn't ready to talk to Richard about what was going on. Come to find out, Pam wasn't away but I didn't know that until I left her a message on Friday night.
Anyway, along with the tough time, the tears came, some more memories came, the self-blame came back. It really sucked the big one!
Pam and I left some voice mails and finally talked on Sunday night and decided to meet on Monday since I had the day off. I must have cried through most of that therapy session.

It has taken time, but I have moved out of the self-blame mode (I'm not sure how but I think it has something to do with repetition and writing letters).
Anger has moved in for what has happened and what I want to do, is a send a letter to my "aunt". I want to tell her what her husband did to me. I can bet that the letter I sent him almost 2 years ago never made it into her hands and if it did, he did a good job of talking his way around it. I have this need to expose him for who he really is. Maybe it's revenge, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just time to say, enough is enough and even though I wouldn't take him to court, he needs to confess to what he did. I want him to acknowledge what he did. I know he will never acknowledge it to me and if he did, there would be no way I could forgive him if he asked for it. But having to admit it to someone, there will be some justice. He will no longer be able to hide behind himself and keep what he did to me (and who knows, who else) a secret! I think that is what I'm looking for.

I think I need to take this step in order to take the next step in my healing process. I don't want this to come up every year and hit me like it did this year. I know enough to realize that it will be there but I don't want it to consume me, I don't want it to own me.

Robert has been pretty good through all this. It's hard for him to understand what I'm going through and how all this has hit me. He wants me to talk to him about it and I will tell him some but not all. I keep trying to explain to him, that what I need from him is for him to just be here with me. That he doesn't need to know all the details, that is what all you (my friends) are for and what Pam is for.
He is starting to understand, that I just need him to be here for me.

It is time for me to get ready for work. So, off I go.
I would appreciate your thoughts and comments on what I want to do.

It's That Time of Year Again (Sigh)

The holiday season is in full swing and I'm just waiting for it to be over with. This is a hard time of year for me and a number of my friends. We are counting down the days until they are over with.

I started having a hard time right before Thanksgiving when the 2nd anniversary of my mothers' death, snuck up and hit me fairly hard. I didn't expect all those feelings to hit me since they didn't last year. But, last year I will still in the midst of "fighting" my so called sister for my share of the house. That being over, I wasn't focused so much on other things.

All the "little kid" feelings are mulling around inside and I've been slowly trying to deal with them. It's been awhile since I've had to do this. I'll get through this stuff, it's just going to take some time.

All this crap works in cycles and it doesn't matter how many times you work on something, it always comes back again to be worked on - different situation, different spot in your healing.

On top of all this that is already going on, my "father" felt the need to send me a Christmas Card. I open it only to see if there is any information about the couple of relatives that I care about. Of course, there wasn't but, we all know that if I didn't open it and just tossed it, there would be. Wouldn't that be part of Murphy's Law somewhere?

Anyway, what was pre-written in the card doesn't really matter, but what he wrote in the card is. The following is an exact quote of what he wrote:
"I had a pretty good year up till September. At that time I was diagnose with ciatica and Compression fractures in my lower back. Steadily improving. Stay well and God Bless. Dad"
Does anyone see what is missing from this? There are a few things. I'll give you a clue: It's amazing how nothing has changed over all these years. This only stirred up more of those "little kid" feelings.

Robert and I are doing good. Things are moving in a positive direction. He is being supportive while I'll go through all this shit. He won't let me get away with being quiet and not talking. He knows I've been having urges to drink and cut so he is making me talk about what is going on. He is trying to understand everything as best he can and learning along the way.

I went to NH this past weekend and met a long time friend that I've only chatted with online and talked with on the phone. Mary is a wonderful person and her family is just as wonderful. I went there and was treated as if they all had known me for years. It was fantastic! Tricia was also there and it was great to see her again. It's been way to many years since we've seen each other.

Things have been busy overall. There's been the move at work and the reorg. Just trying to get everything done around the house and getting Christmas shopping done. I have been feeling overwhelmed. The "little kid" is angry, sad and lonely.
Robert has told me a couple times that he's never seen me put this much pressure on myself. I need to get everything done. I need to try and stay on top of everything. I just really need to make it until January. Then things should settle out some

There you go - my life in a nutshell as it is right now.

Happy Holidays to all.

No Special Title - Just a Long time since an update

It has been way too long since I've updated my blog. I have finally decided to take the time and post some of what's been going on.

My daughter has decided to apply to Grove City College in PA, for early decision and we should know a little after 12/15 if she will get in under early decision or not. If not, we will need to sit down and get her going on filling out additional applications. We like this school, though we haven't been out to visit it yet, what we have read on the website and what my daughter has heard about it, it seems like a very good school. It is also reasonably priced.
We now play the waiting game on this and pray that she gets in since this is where she really wants to go.

Work - they are reorganizing the whole area and we are waiting to find out where we will end up working. They are splitting the area into 2 different sections. One that will work on development or long term projects and one that will work on the production end of things. We will know by 12/1 where we are going to work but in the mean time, all we know is management is having many meetings and we hear nothing. They tell us they don't know anything but when we view their calendars online, we can tell they do know more then they are telling us. Our department is having a hell of a time dealing with the unknown. We know as a department, we will be split up but we don't know who will end up where or who we will be working for. They promise us all a seat when the reorganization is complete but who really knows until it happens.

I went to visit Maggie for a few days in October. It was good to go down and see her and spend time with her. It is also hard when it's time to leave since we don't really know when we will see each other again. She hasn't been feeling well, she doesn't get enough rest and she really needs to 'train' her family to be more independent. She can't keep doing it all and expect to stay healthy.
And we all need to remind her family, that 'denial' is not just a river in Egypt.

Michele has cancer and has been going through chemo. Cami is doing a damn fine job holding up through this. I am proud of her. There was a time that Cami would have totally lost it if something like this would have happened.
I pray nightly that Michele will be okay and things will get better.

My friend Bernie has adopted a cat that has been named Shadow. This is by far the craziest of cats she has ever owned. This cat literally climbs walls and does a number of other crazy things. I don't even want to think about what Shadow will do with a Christmas tree. Does anyone dare to venture a guess?

My personal life :)
It's going very good. Robert and I have been doing a lot of talking and working through a number of issues. We both need to watch our finances and Robert needs to try and cut back on what he spends.
We have been talking about him moving in, but nothing has been settled yet. We have also talked about his son living here when the ok is finally given for him to come up from Jamaica and live here.

Robert actually said to me tonight, something I have felt and known for a long time: he told me that he loved me. I let him know that it's nice to hear said.
We have been doing a lot of talking lately. Trying to feel our way through things and learning and growing together.

I bet you all thought this would be longer considering it's been so long since I've posted but that about covers it. There's little things but these are the big things that are happening.

Until the next time.....

Could it really be?

Tomorrow I see my lawyer to sign the Deed and any other papers that may be required so my "sister" can have the her closing on Friday and the 19 month process of having her buy out my share of the property will be over.

It has been a long 19 months with many, many ups and downs but soon, the final tie will be broken and I will not have to deal with her any more.

The next step in all of this will be to get a Tax Accountant to figure the Capital Gains tax and to do my taxes for this year. Every other year I've been able to do them myself but, this year I'm going to need some help. I want to be able to put money away for my daughters college, save some and have some available for spending. It isn't even so much the amount of the money at this point, though my lawyer knows I don't sign any papers unless we get what we asked for. It is more the principal of it all. It has taken so long for this to happen. I have stood up to her and did not back down even when she dragged her feet, and boy did she drag her feet. I believe she felt I would eventually just stop the whole process but I didn't. I went so far as getting a lawyer, who would take her to court if that's what it came down to.

Well, that is over with. It will just be a matter of waiting for the check once the closing happens on Friday.

YEAH!!

Just an Update

Medication - I am now off antipsychotics. After the bad reaction I had to abilify and having to stop the med, I am doing good without them. I have learned to pull out my skills when I need them (something I couldn't have done a couple of years ago) and keep myself stable.

As far as any pain goes, there are times my knees still hurt but for the most part all the pain associated with the medication is gone. All the x-rays and blood work done by my doctor came back negative, meaning that all the pain was truly associated with the medication. I don't see my pdoc until about October. I'm sure he'll be glad to see that I'm doing well without the Antipsychotic.

Work the past week has been stress free and almost like a vacation with the boss being on vacation. This of course comes to an end when he returns on Monday. There will be instant stress returning to the office. I have brought work home this weekend because I don't dare go into work on Monday with things still in a state of not working the way he will expect.

Things with the house are moving along. I had to write out a check for half the probate and appraisal cost and have it sent to my sisters' lawyer. Probate will not release the paper work until they are paid. So, if my sister actually pays her half in a timely manner, the closing should be scheduled shortly and I will be done with her. This of course means getting someone to figure out how much I will owe in Capital Gains Tax, paying my lawyer and a few other things that will cause me to pay out more money, which pisses me off. But, the bottom line is - it will be all said and done and the Bitch will be out of my life.

There will be no more reason for her to be a part of my life at all.

Things with Robert and I are going okay. He is once again, working as much as he can in order to make extra money. This is hard on me and we need to talk about some things concerning this but things usually work out. He gets focused on what he is doing and doesn't seem to have time for anything else.

The other thing I'm trying to do is get my daughter started on looking for colleges. She will be starting her senior year in a couple of weeks and my get her butt moving on this. She knows what she wants to do, it's just a matter of what schools and in what areas without breaking the bank.

She will get there and she will do fine. She does have some time before things have to be done but she will put things off as long as she can if I don't keep reminding her.

I will be stopping group therapy in 2 weeks. I have come to a point where I just don't need as much therapy as I required at one time. I will continue therapy once a week. That I'm not ready to give up yet since there are still things going on in my life that I require support for and making to many changes at one time isn't a good idea. We will take one thing at a time and when the time is right make changes as necessary. I would like to make more medication changes before I even consider cutting back on my therapy.

Update on Joint Pain and .....

I don't really have much to report except that I did go to the doctors yesterday and he sent me for x-rays of my hands/fingers, knees and ankles. He also send me for a number of labs. They are: Lyme disease, CBC w/diff, C-reactive Protien, Rheumatoid Factor and Sed Rate. I had all this done on Friday after I left the doctors office. I am hoping that he gets everything back early enough on Monday so I don't have to wait to long to find out what is going on.

Unfortunately, I went and read about the blood test and some of the things they can tell from them is actually scary. What my doctor is really looking for is different causes of inflammation but there are a number of reasons that can cause this.

I did get somewhat some good news. My cholesteral results also came back and we went over those. Though the numbers are still high, the triglycerides are no where as high as they were before. I still have to watch what I eat but from what my doctor told me he can't put me on any meds for my cholesteral because of my other meds

And now for something that has me totally weirded out:

My daughter and I figured out today that I must be sleepwalking. I have no idea if this is something I have done before or if this was the only time.

I'm pretty sure I was asleep and dreaming when I vividly remember seeing my daughters flip-flops in the garbage. I didn't remember this until later in the day when she was looking for them. I told her to look there but she couldn't imagine why she would throw them out. So, when she was cleaning out my car, I went and took them out of the garbage and clean them off.

There other thing that happened is in the upstairs bathroom, there was a photo album on the sink. I asked Becky if she got up and used the upstairs bathroom during the night and she didn't. This must mean, since I was sleeping on the couch, I went upstairs, probably went to the bathroom and for whatever reason, brought the photo album into the bathroom. I will swear on a stack of bibles, I touched neither of those objects.

That's it for now.....

JOINT PAIN

I went to see my PCP today about the joint pain that I'm still having. There are a number of joints that are still bothering me and making me very uncomfortable.

Any way, he is doing a bunch of test and x-rays before he determines what is going on.

I had x-rays done of my wrist and fingers, knees and ankles.

I also had blood test done. There are for Lyme disease, c-ractive protein (whatever that is, but I will find out), rhumatoid factory and sed rate. So there you go Maggie, everything you ask for.

When he gets the results back, he will call me and let me know what is going on. In the meantime it is tylenol and warm baths.

On a bright note, I have been off my antipsychotics for just over a week and emotionally I am doing good.

The other good news is, that even though my cholesterol is still high, my triglycerides are no where near what they were on my first test.

While I wait I am still totally frustrated. I just need all this pain to go away.

It really sucks and there isn't much I can do about it until we know what it is.

Update

I started taking Cogentin today to counter the side effects of the Abilify.  It takes 24  - 48 hours for this med to start taking effect.  I hope this works, I'll give it about 3 days to see if it will start working, if not it's off to see my PCP to see if anything else is going on.  I am trying my best not thinking about what else it might be because just my luck it is something else but one step at a time and I need to stay positive.  So, I will wait and pray and hope this works.

 

The great (yeah right, not if your me) about the Cogentin is one of it's side effects not listed anywhere I looked but on the sheet from the drug store is sleeplessness.  So can you all guess which side effect I got from this med.  Just when I thought the struggle with the Trazadone was over.  It made me drowsy about an hour after I took it but then that worse off.  I have slept about 1 1/2 hours since I got up at 3 this morning (short of my 10 min nap when the phone rang and woke me up).  So, here we go again.  I was going to give Robert the Trazadon but luckily he forgot to take it with him.  We are going to have to work something out that it's not here but he remembers to bring me some when I need it.  I'm only going to be able to keep a couple.  The good news is, I only have 11 of them left.  But if I have to take this med for awhile I might need to get more Trazadon.

Some of this problem sleeping could also be because my body is not used to not being in a state of 'tired' all the time.  But I can't funtion long on less then 5 hours of sleep a night.

 

This is such a fun thing (NOT).  One can only hope that when all is said and done I can manage without an antipsychotic because I'm not sure I'm ready to try a new med.

 

updates to follow as they become available..... 

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

The good and bad are easy, there isn't anything to report.
The ugly has reared it's head this week.  I switched from Seroquel to Abilify and that all appeared to go well.  My thought process was in take (no comments from the peanut gallery - you know who you are!!).  Well, just because the thought process works doesn't mean the med is good for you. 
I personally like to get the uncommon/infrequent side effects of medication and this time is no different.  I started to get joint pain somewhere along the week.  It's hard to tell exactly when because lucky me has joints that already hurt.  By Wednesday just about all my joints hurt.  After making 2 calls to my Pdoc and my T calling and having him paged on Thursday he finally called me back.  It seems that no one told him I was having joint pain.  I was also having photosensitivity.  I took Thursday and Friday off from work but I didn't really get to enjoy them.  It's hard to stay comfortable and not in pain.  I also had to go for blood test on Friday morning to have the cholesteral test redone and some additional test my PCP wanted.
On Saturday my daughter did some of my housework since I really couldn't do it.  I've been sitting around doing as little as possible.  At times I get up and walk around some, it actually feels good but it last only for a little while.
So this weekend has pretty much sucked the big one.
I think I am going to take tomorrow off.  I can't imagine walking from the parking garage to the office and all around work tomorrow.  I'm going to call my pdoc and see if there is anything he can do to give me some relief so I can go to work on Tuesday.  I can't afford to take time off.  Too much work to do.  Of course if my doc tells me to, that is different.  I brought work home and couldn't even do it.  Hard to work when you can't sit still for long.
I have sleeping pills to help me get more then 3 hours of sleep at night but I can't allow myself to take them.  I'm afraid that if I open the bottle, I will want to take 3 or 4, which is 1 or 2 more then I am suppose to take.  I've called my T twice and I've just left messages.  I'm not up to talking with her right now but at least I've made her aware of what I'm struggling with.
 
All I can hope for right now is some pain relief so I can get back to work before I get reamed out by my boss a second time in less then a weeks time.
 
Stay tuned for the next installment of - How the Meds Turn

It's been a really long time

It's been so long, it's hard to know where to start.  I'll probably just jump around as I think of things so none of this will be in any order.
 
Work has been a real Bitch this past week or so because of the projects that I'm working on.  One of the projects has gone into the production this past weekend, the other was suppose to go into production in August but won't be going in until September.  My boss, was not at all happy with the fact that I told him it would take a miracle to make the August implementation date.  The way I see it, it is better to remove the changes/project now from the version, then to tell them we will make it and end up removing it at a later date.
I have also been telling my boss for the past 3 or 4 weeks that I wasn't going to be able to make the date.
He told me that removing this project from the August version was going to reflect on me and also him.  I don't understand where it makes me look bad, he was manager of both the projects and knew what my workload was.  I don't know how he expected me to split my time when one of the projects was due earlier then the other one.
The good news is, I do have Thursday and Friday off.  They did not come without some snyde remarks from my boss.
 
My friend with the tumor on her kidney is doing better in the respect that the tumor is shrinking like it is suppose to.  Of course she is losing weight and is very tired from the chemo.
 
My other friend, whos' partner has cancer, receives her second chemo treatment on Friday.  They know she will spend all of next week very sick.  All we can do is pray that the chemo with kill the rest of the cancer.  The odds when you look at them all, don't look so good.
 
My best friend currently has temporary custody of her nephew.  We don't how know long temporary means at this point.  It has added some stress to her life but with the situation going on (which I can reveal), taking her nephew was the right thing to do.
 
Most of you know that I changed my antipsychotic from seroquel to abilify.  I believe that I am having some side effects from the abilify and I'm waiting for my shrink to call me back so we can talk about a plan of action.
 
The whole property thing with my sister is still sitting in probate court.  My lawyers office has managed to get probate court to agree to call them when the paper work has been complete so we don't have to wait an wonder if the processing has been completed.
 
I thnk that about covers everything.  If I think of something that I mised, I will update this.

What's been happening

First an update on what is happening with my sister:
Not a lot these days. They finally got around to filing the paper work in Probate Court last week. It can take up to 6 weeks for the whole process to take place. I can't wait for this to be over. You know they put this off on purpose. I wonder is she is going to have to re-apply for her loan because they took to long to apply. I'm sure if she does, she will drag her feet on that also. I won't put up with it. I'll wait the appropriate amount of time and call Probate Court. When I find out the paper work has been complete, I will let my lawyer know so he can call the Credit Union or the Bitch's lawyer.

Maggie (my friend from NJ) says she is doing okay. She hasn't been sick the past few days which is a good sign but that doesn't mean she is well on her way to getting better yet. She sees the doctor tomorrow and she'll know better what is going on. She is also taking her 22 yr. old daughter with her. Her daughter has been sick for a little over 2 weeks with symptoms that could be the on set of Lupus but didn't tell anyone right away. She needs to be tested and since she wouldn't go to the doctor on her own, she is being dragged if she likes it or not. I don't know how long it will take to get the lab test back but it's like sitting on pins and needles waiting for all the results to come back and they aren't even mine.

Cami's partner, Michele, is home from the hospital and getting some much needed rest. She has Ovarian and Uterine Cancer. A CT scan has shown it has not spread to any other organs of her body. They get the full report the beginning of this week and she will start Chemo on Thursday or Friday. Since the cancer is very agressive and they couldn't get it all out, I'm sure they are going to be agressive about treating it. They have a long, rough road ahead of them.

My cousin's little girl (who I don't know), has had a tumor on her brain, that is inoperable and they never expected her to live this long.
She recently had surgery and then developed a UTI. The infection has taken over her body according to the last journal entry my cousin has made. I feel bad for my cousin's little girl but these people are like strangers to me. What I am trying to do for right now, is brace myself for a call from someone in my family to tell me she has passed away. It's the only time anyone seems to call me. They can't seem to find the time to call with any type of good news.

As for me, yup even some news about me. In a couple of weeks I'm going to attempt switching from Seroquel to Abilify. Abilify is suppose to, in most cases, make it easier to lose weight. It also is normally taken only once a day. That will be a help. My pdoc won't allow me to start the switch while my therapist is on vacation, that means I have to wait until after July 7th. I've waited this long, I guess a couple of more weeks won't hurt.

I also had a number of blood test done on Saturday. Besides the normal blood work my pdoc does, I had him order labs for my thyroid and cholesteral. I figure in a couple of weeks I'll get a call from my PCP tell me my cholesteral is still high. I haven't been watching what I eat at all. I doesn't seem to matter as far as my weight is concerned, I still gain or lose according to what my body decides. I have started to feel a little more tired lately and my cycles have gotten a little off again so I'll be interested in knowing if my thyroid is functioning okay.

I'm not worried. At this point I'm just taking it one day at a time. I need to lose weight and after the med change, I will attempt to try to stop smoking again. I will have to talk to my PCP about the best way to deal with the anxiety.

That's it for now. I think that is more then enough.

Friends and their pain

I'm not even sure how to really start this. I want to sit here and cry right now after reading an email from a friend.
I have one friend who has Lupus and a growth on her bad Kidney which is being treated with low dose Chemo. They increased the Chemo dose because her blood work didn't come back as good as they hoped. If the med doesn't work, they will have to try and get her strong enough for surgery. Right now she is to weak to make it through surgery. So, I wonder what will happen, if the medication doesn't work and she isn't strong enough to make it through surgery.
This person is an angel. No matter how sick she is and has been from her Lupus, she is always willing to help others. I can't stand to see her this sick and being so far away, there is nothing that I can do to help her out.

I have another friend, who's SO had a hysteroctomey (sp) yesterday. They found cancer and had to remove two lymph nodes and couldn't get all the cancer. They will know more when all the test come back as to where the cancer started and how far it may have spread. My friend is an angel and though I haven't met her SO, I know she must be a very special person to be in my friends life.

Prayers are needed for these people. They are very special and we want them to pull through whatever G*D's plan is.

Monday Morning

It's Monday and I have the day off. I had originally planned to take the day for myself but instead I will be heading down to Willimantic and going to the Probate Court to find out what is exactly going on with all the property stuff. I did find out on Friday that the paper work was recently filed but they were too busy to give me any more information. I will get there early and get in and out as fast as possible.

Maggie and Cami came up on Friday and left on Saturday. Maggie was feeling good on Friday and we had a blast. We talked and joked and even took a walk. I am glad that she had the one good day. I am thankful that she has good days. On Saturday she woke up sick and they left for home earlier then they originally planned. It was hard seeing her so sick and not being able to do anything for her. I guess the only good thing about her being sick here was her son didn't have to see her be sick this one time. He didn't have to worry all day about his mommy. Her son has the heart of a saint. It is many sizes bigger then it should be for a kid of 8. He is so in touch with feelings and how things in life will affect others. He is such a special kid.
Originally Maggie told me she had a tumor on her liver but it is actually on her Kidney - the bad one at that. Being on a low dose chemo pill really does knock her down and makes it hard for her to eat and keep anything in. She has a feeling she will be going in the hospital for a couple of days since she is having such a hard time keeping anything down.

I will update after I get back from Probate Court with what I find out. I am sure the process will take a while, especially since it was recently filed. This is something that should have been done over a year ago and wouldn't have had an effect my sister buying out my half of the property.

ONCE again I have made it down to Willimantic and back without running into anyone I didn't want to see. So, Maggie, you can get off my shoulder for a little while. Carrying all that extra weight (and I know you're not heavy, is making my back hurt more).

Here's what I know so far, the clerk at the Probate Office didn't have the file handy but will get in touch with me when she locates it. It could have been in the pile the other clerk was working on and she wasn't in yet.

This had to be filed through the state since my Mother received state aid while she was in the Nursing Home. They will need to do a search to see if there is any property or accounts in my Mother's name that we don't know about. Since my Mother had life use, she was actually partial owner of the property and with that status on the deed, the property can not be sold.

There was a Title Search done on May 10th.
There was nothing in the computer that the paper work had been entered, so they haven't started to deal with it yet. The clerk might even call my sister's attorney to find out what is going on. Won't that ruffle some feathers?!??!

That's pretty much the story. So, it really is just a matter of time for the paper work to be processed. There is also some filing fee that has to be paid. I didn't ask how much because I'm not paying it but I'm sure my sister isn't going to be happy. Oh well.

It's been awhile

I just finished chatted with a good friend friend of mine. About 3 weeks ago her nephew, who was one day shy of his 30th birthday passed away from a lethal combination of medication and drinking. He went out to celebrate his b-day with his buddies. It was the first time he was on medication. I don't know yet exactly what he was one and I have no idea how much he drank but the world is now short one caring and loving person. He left behind a 3 year old daughter. How is she going to understand what happened?
This was a real eye opener to me. 2 1/2 years ago, I was drinking way more then I should have been, every day for a month and a half. The way I see it, I am lucky to be alive today. All I know is there must have been something bigger then me out there looking after me. I was so depressed that I didn't care about living at all. I actually thought everyone would have been better off without me. When push came to shove I ended up in the hospital and 1 1/2 weeks later I was home and doing a lot better.

My friend also just told me that she has a spot on her liver that needs to be removed. She tells me not to worry but, she knows that is exactly what I will do. She will be coming up next week if she is able to find someone to watch her son. She wants to see me before she has surgery and I want to see her also. She has been through a lot in her life. She also has Lupus which doesn't help at all. I am praying that she will be okay and I am asking, that if you are reading this that you also say a pray for her. Though is often doesn't feel well, she will do everything she can to help someone in need. She has instilled this value in her children. Her son who is about 8 (I think) is collecting used books, toys and clothes for children, for a charity in the South Bronx. She has passed that warm, loving heart onto her son.

Things in my life are going okay. Robert and I have been talking and though we aren't seeing each other as much as I would like, I'm learning a lot about myself these days. I have started reading about spirituality and learning to love myself.
I am still waiting for things with my sister to be completed. Some things never change. Though, the Credit Union is waiting on things to get moving in Probate Court before they set a closing date. I would like this to be completed since I have the retainer for the lawyer on my credit card.
When I talked with my lawyer the other day, he explained to me that in some towns, the only hold Probate Court one or two days a week so it could take some time for this to actual get to the court.

Where to begin?!?!?!?

Thursday morning I received a call from the lawyer I've been using since the start of the legal process with my "sister". It seems that my "sisters" lawyer called him to let him know that my "sister" really does have a committment from the credit union and to give my lawyer the name of the the lawyer handling the closing and his number. My lawyer was going to call this lawyer. As of now, I haven't heard anything new but that could just be lawyers playing phone tag.
I had to call the new lawyer and tell him to put things on hold for right now. I am not 100% convinced that things will go smoothly but I guess having this lawyer send the letter that he did made my sisters' lawyer react and give us the information that we asked for over a month ago. Until I hear from my lawyer and find out what exactly is going on with the closing, I will not feel comfortable with the fact that my "sister" has a committment.
The other thing that I am not concerned about is, am I really going to get the amount that we asked for? We have never received any type of acknowledgement or counter offer. I can only guess that they agreed with the offer and are moving forward with that number.

On a sad note - a friend of mine who lives in NJ sent out an email late Thursday night to inform a number of her friends that one of her nephews had passed away. This guy would have been 30 years old on Friday. He leaves behind a 3 year old. I've never met him or his mother but my friend Maggie talked about her sister all the time. This was one of her favorite nephews.
For me this is hard to take in even though I didn't know them personally. He died because he was taking antidepressants and a bunch of his buddies took him out drinking for his birthday. He drank too much (now we all know that even one drink could be too much) and it became a lethal combination for him.
There are times I struggle with the urge to drink. That I find it would be so much easier just to give in and have those drinks. In 2001, I spent a month and a half drinking fairly heavy and I was just fine. The luck of the draw, I would say. In this case, This young man wasn't so lucky, he has lost his life and the lives of so many have been affected.

Let this be a reminder to all of us, that drinking in excessive quantity is never a good idea - if we are on medication or not.

Update

On Monday at 11:30 a.m., I smoked my last cigarette. That was the last one that I had and I am not going to buy anymore. So far so good. No cravings, just added anxiety. Just what I need, more anxiety in my life. But, I have a stress ball and other things I can use to keep my hands busy during the day at work. It's a little harder when I get home but, I'm managing okay. The hardest times seem to be when I'm driving the car and in the evenings when I'm just sitting around with not much to do.
Somehow I will make it. I am determined to quit. Not only will it save me money but it is good for me too.

On the continuing saga...
The lawyer sent a letter to my sister on Monday (I received it by email on Monday) and she probably received it Tuesday or Wednesday. I'm sure she isn't a happy camper. If she knows what is good for her she will make sure she understands what the process of a partition action is. She can't play games anymore. The only way to stop the process is to get financing or agree to sell the house with me. I'm not sure she understands the seriousness of all of this since she hasn't move quicker in the past. I don't even know if she has a lawyer. Not my problem, not my issue.
I am waiting for some relative to call me and start with the 3rd degree, I so want to tell them that she has dragged this out for over a year and she has had plenty of options. Then remind them, that it is none of their business and drop the subject. Because I'm sure Judy has told many lies about me that could take me the rest of my life to clear up.

Today is my "fathers" birthday and it doesn't bother me at all. The only reason I remember it is, my daughter birthday is tomorrow. When they scheduled me to go in to have her, I was happy that they didn't make it the 13th of May.

That's about all that is happening at this time. If you hear a lot of yelling and screaming from Windham County, it is most likely my sister, not getting her own way.

A sense of relief

I went to see the other lawyer today and have set things in motion that only Judy can stop.
The first thing that needs to happen is a Title Search. They need to make sure there are no liens against the property, mainly tax liens if she hasn't been paying the property taxes.

The lawyer will then send her a letter (and copy the attorney she has been using) concerning the partition action. 10 days after the letter goes out all the filings start and she gets served.

At any point she can stop the process by getting financing and letting us know she has this.

There will be a court appearence that I most likely will not have to go to but she will or probably her lawyer, if she still has one. If she doesn't show, decisions will be made without her being there. A committee will be appointed to handle the partition action. A date for the auction will be set (it will be a Saturday at noon). So if it gets this far and you know anyone who is looking to buy a house in the Windham area to fix up and turn around and sell, let me know.

Once the house is sold, there will be another court appearance, to handle the distribution of funds. The closing will take place 30 days later. If she hasn't moved out of the house by that time, she will be given notice that she has 2 days to move. If she hasn't moved out by that time, a moving crew will come in and move everything out to the street and it will be taken away.

I don't know if any of the papers she receives will explain the process to her or not but she is in for a big surprise. Once the process starts, it follows its own time table. She can't drag things out, they will move along without her.

Maybe being served will make her realize that I'm not going to back down. That she can't try and control the situation any longer. Finally I feel like I have control of this situation.
I'm not sure why she has been dragging this out for so long, there could be so many reasons:

thinking I would back down

thinking that I don't deserve any portion of the property since she has lived there and probably feels she had done so much for my mother, but I firmly believe that my mother would have never lost her foot if my sister was really doing what she should have been.

just being her controlling and manipulating self

for whatever reason, not wanting me to break the final tie to my family of origin

Or, she could have her own agenda

Whatever her reasons have been, they are done and over with. From this point on, they don't hold any water. Things will happen fairly quickly and she has to follow the dates set up by the court and committee. So, we will see how she responds to either the letter or being served.

As soon as I know more, I will update you.