I saw my therapist last night and she is not discouraging me about sending the letter to my aunt. All she is asking is, I wait a couple of weeks to make sure I'm stable after having a hard time. She doesn't want this to toss me right back where I was and I can't argue with her. I also need to talk to Robert and let him know what I'll be doing. I'm not sure he'll understand my need but I feel he needs to know because there is the possibility of all sorts of emotions going on around this. It's not nice to spring emotions on him, if I know they might be coming.
I have a number of choices on what to send. I have the letter I wrote just this week, full of anger, I have the one I sent the Bastard almost 2 years ago. I could send both of these or I could send the one I sent the Bastard with a different letter with it. These 2 weeks will also give me time to figure this out.
In a perfect world, I would be able to confront the Bastard in person. I can't do that without picturing myself turning into that scared little girl. Pam things I could do it. If it were something I was going to do, it would have to be done with professionals around. For now, I am taking the safe way.
I know what I really want is for him to admit to me, what he really did and I'm sure I will never get that. But, telling his wife will at least make him admit that he did (unless he dances around it). I don't know how she'll react, and personally, that isn't my problem. If anyone calls me, I don't have to talk to them. I know it's a possibility and I'll deal with it, if it happens. Pam and I have time to talk about it.
That's the latest. I will let you know what I decide.
Friday, January 14, 2005
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Finally - The Holiday Season is OVER
I am happy to say that the holiday season is over. I enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas with Bernie at her parents house.
From the middle of November even until now, I've been having a hard time. It's a very tough time of the year for me, as it is for most survivors. It has been made more difficult by the passing of my mother in Nov 2002. It seems a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had pushed away since then decided they were going to surface this year. My feelings have been all over the place, not helped at all by the lack of sleep. My sleep seems to be getting better at this point, so I can only hopes that it lasts. I tried Sonata for sleeping. I stayed on it for 3 nights and stopped it. It actually made me worse with the side effects. I must have cried for a week, it messed so with my emotions. Though, "they" tell me crying is not a bad thing. I bet "they" haven't cried for a week!
So, I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas came along. Becky decorated the house with my Christmas Village (which I didn't want up). So, I didn't just have to deal with the tree being up, I had to deal with the Christmas Village as well. She gets so excited over the holidays, that I will never take them away from her no matter what I have to go through. I couldn't do that to her.
Christmas night, I started to take down the Christmas stuff and it did take me a few days to get everything put away. But I couldn't keep it all up. Then, along came New Years Eve, probably the hardest of all the holidays for me to get through. A day or so before New Years Eve, I started having a very hard time. The urges increased and all I could do was fight them. As far as I knew, Pam was away and I wasn't ready to talk to Richard about what was going on. Come to find out, Pam wasn't away but I didn't know that until I left her a message on Friday night.
Anyway, along with the tough time, the tears came, some more memories came, the self-blame came back. It really sucked the big one!
Pam and I left some voice mails and finally talked on Sunday night and decided to meet on Monday since I had the day off. I must have cried through most of that therapy session.
It has taken time, but I have moved out of the self-blame mode (I'm not sure how but I think it has something to do with repetition and writing letters).
Anger has moved in for what has happened and what I want to do, is a send a letter to my "aunt". I want to tell her what her husband did to me. I can bet that the letter I sent him almost 2 years ago never made it into her hands and if it did, he did a good job of talking his way around it. I have this need to expose him for who he really is. Maybe it's revenge, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just time to say, enough is enough and even though I wouldn't take him to court, he needs to confess to what he did. I want him to acknowledge what he did. I know he will never acknowledge it to me and if he did, there would be no way I could forgive him if he asked for it. But having to admit it to someone, there will be some justice. He will no longer be able to hide behind himself and keep what he did to me (and who knows, who else) a secret! I think that is what I'm looking for.
I think I need to take this step in order to take the next step in my healing process. I don't want this to come up every year and hit me like it did this year. I know enough to realize that it will be there but I don't want it to consume me, I don't want it to own me.
Robert has been pretty good through all this. It's hard for him to understand what I'm going through and how all this has hit me. He wants me to talk to him about it and I will tell him some but not all. I keep trying to explain to him, that what I need from him is for him to just be here with me. That he doesn't need to know all the details, that is what all you (my friends) are for and what Pam is for.
He is starting to understand, that I just need him to be here for me.
It is time for me to get ready for work. So, off I go.
I would appreciate your thoughts and comments on what I want to do.
From the middle of November even until now, I've been having a hard time. It's a very tough time of the year for me, as it is for most survivors. It has been made more difficult by the passing of my mother in Nov 2002. It seems a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had pushed away since then decided they were going to surface this year. My feelings have been all over the place, not helped at all by the lack of sleep. My sleep seems to be getting better at this point, so I can only hopes that it lasts. I tried Sonata for sleeping. I stayed on it for 3 nights and stopped it. It actually made me worse with the side effects. I must have cried for a week, it messed so with my emotions. Though, "they" tell me crying is not a bad thing. I bet "they" haven't cried for a week!
So, I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas came along. Becky decorated the house with my Christmas Village (which I didn't want up). So, I didn't just have to deal with the tree being up, I had to deal with the Christmas Village as well. She gets so excited over the holidays, that I will never take them away from her no matter what I have to go through. I couldn't do that to her.
Christmas night, I started to take down the Christmas stuff and it did take me a few days to get everything put away. But I couldn't keep it all up. Then, along came New Years Eve, probably the hardest of all the holidays for me to get through. A day or so before New Years Eve, I started having a very hard time. The urges increased and all I could do was fight them. As far as I knew, Pam was away and I wasn't ready to talk to Richard about what was going on. Come to find out, Pam wasn't away but I didn't know that until I left her a message on Friday night.
Anyway, along with the tough time, the tears came, some more memories came, the self-blame came back. It really sucked the big one!
Pam and I left some voice mails and finally talked on Sunday night and decided to meet on Monday since I had the day off. I must have cried through most of that therapy session.
It has taken time, but I have moved out of the self-blame mode (I'm not sure how but I think it has something to do with repetition and writing letters).
Anger has moved in for what has happened and what I want to do, is a send a letter to my "aunt". I want to tell her what her husband did to me. I can bet that the letter I sent him almost 2 years ago never made it into her hands and if it did, he did a good job of talking his way around it. I have this need to expose him for who he really is. Maybe it's revenge, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just time to say, enough is enough and even though I wouldn't take him to court, he needs to confess to what he did. I want him to acknowledge what he did. I know he will never acknowledge it to me and if he did, there would be no way I could forgive him if he asked for it. But having to admit it to someone, there will be some justice. He will no longer be able to hide behind himself and keep what he did to me (and who knows, who else) a secret! I think that is what I'm looking for.
I think I need to take this step in order to take the next step in my healing process. I don't want this to come up every year and hit me like it did this year. I know enough to realize that it will be there but I don't want it to consume me, I don't want it to own me.
Robert has been pretty good through all this. It's hard for him to understand what I'm going through and how all this has hit me. He wants me to talk to him about it and I will tell him some but not all. I keep trying to explain to him, that what I need from him is for him to just be here with me. That he doesn't need to know all the details, that is what all you (my friends) are for and what Pam is for.
He is starting to understand, that I just need him to be here for me.
It is time for me to get ready for work. So, off I go.
I would appreciate your thoughts and comments on what I want to do.
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