Interactions with the cops

Over the past three days, I have had 2 interactions with the cops. One in Wilmington and one in Leland.
One Friday morning, I had therapy at 8 a.m. My therapist was running late so I decided to try to door to the building to see if it was open. If not, I would ring the bell and wait to see if someone answered it. When I checked the door handle, it was locked but when I pushed on the door, it opened. This of course set of the alarm. Yes, I have now become a criminal.
I waited a few minutes, not knowing how quickly the cops would show up.
I finally went out to my car to get my cell phone to call my therapist, who still wasn't there and as I was getting ready to call her, she pulls into the driveway. Pulling into the driveway on the other side is the cop. At least they showed up together. I told my therapist, that the door was locked but not closed all the way. The cop was very understanding, checked the door to make sure no one tried to break in. I told them the alarm didn't go off until I walked inside.
The alarm was shut off, everyone (mainly me) calmed down and therapy began.
Eventful day number 1 has come to an end.


Fast forward to Sunday. It's afternoon and I go to CVS, just to look around.
When I leave CVS, I pull into the center turn lane. Normally, I move over once there is no traffic coming. Well, apparently today I didn't and I didn't even realize it. But the officer on the motorcycle behind me did.
When I got to the light and made my turn, he pulled me over. Now, I'm thinking, what the heck did I do? As far as I knew, I didn't do anything wrong. While I'm waiting for him, I get my license out. He gets to my car and and proceeds to say, you were travelling in the turn lane. I tell him, I didn't even realize I was doing that. He said that is where most of their accidents occur and the fine for doing that is $240.00. My thought "OH SHIT".
I told him again, that I really didn't realize that I was driving in the turn lane. I'm surprised he didn't lock me up or something. He let me off with a warning. I thanked him but I bet my name is now on a list of drivers to watch out for.
End of eventful day #2.

So - dissociation set in big time just when it didn't need to. And to think, I thought things were getting better.

One can only hope that next week, things aren't as exciting.

Since this is actually read ...

Since this is read and I don't type just for the heck of it, I'll try to do a real update this time. Just keep in mind that I'm suffering from a case of CRS.

I'm in a funk these days. Thanksgiving plans - all of them, fell through, though it was no ones fault. But the holidays can put in me in funk all by themselves. But to put the icing on the cake, on Sunday it was 5 years since my mother passed away. I still don't know how I feel about it all but there is something in there stirring around or it wouldn't have bugged me. Nope - not feeling guilty about not going to the funeral. But, I don't know what it is that is going on.

But - there is this internal fight going on. Those of you who know me and my medication issues, know that I go through this once in a while. Well, when I was I the Halloween cruise, I stopped taking my afternoon dose of Seroquel. The thing is, now I believe that I need to put that dose back, either by adding it to my morning dose or taking it in the afternoon (too hard to remember). I'm forgetting to do things at work until I get a reminder, I'm crabby at work and that is unusal since I'm not under a lot of stress right now. I don't have a large attention span.
All of this says - increase the Seroqeul. I'm saying - I don't want to, I want to keep the dose lower. How am I ever going to get off the damn med if I can't lower it by 50 mg?
Okay - we know who will win the fight in the long run, I just have to go thru the motions.

Christmas is coming and right now I'm not sure what I'm doing. Becky won't know until the week before if she will be working at JCP. If she can work, I told her to go make some money. After all, she needs it. I need to talk with Robert and see what his plans are. Maybe he will drive down. I know I can't drive up, at least until I feel more sure about what my BP is doing.
I can't go to far the week of Christmas since Tony has taken the week off, that means I have to work.

I'm thinking that I may fly up to CT in Jan. when Bernie's brother Rick comes home for a visit.
I'll have to figure out my schedule and see what is going on. If there are available desks at work, I may be able to go up and not use much PTO time. All in good time.

Well, it's time to go and do something but I don't know what. Maybe journal, if I can keep my attention on what I'm doing. Maybe I'll write out some Christmas Cards - not sending many but I am doing some. Then there is the Christmas shopping to do or is that banging my head against the wall. I only have a few people to buy for and I can't figure out what to get. It's a darn good thing I don't have to buy for more.

Does Anyone Read This.

It has been forever since I've posted but since no one has mentioned it, I guess no one is really reading my Blog.

Stuff has been happening but mainly, I'm tired and stressed these days.

I suppose if you are really interested in what has been happening you can post a reply and I will write more. This way I'll see if anyone is really reading this.

Oh that Darn Medical Stuff

So, it seems everytime I go to the doctor, something has to be out of whack. I guess I wouldn't be me if that wasn't true.

My regular doctor (Melissa) is on Maternity leave so I saw Jeremy this time to review my labs and talk about what's going on. The good news is I lost more weight. The bad news is my A1C level went up. Strange but true.
The other bad news is my BP was up. Yup, way up there at 144/90. I had the work week from hell last week and it sure showed. Jeremy increased my BP med and has me taking my BP at home and I have to stop in the office in a couple of weeks for them to check it. He will then decide if he'll keep me on the dose he has me on or up it some more. The good news about this is, so far at home, it's been pretty much in the normal range. Of course, I haven't been totally stressed out so there has been no true test.

The other thing he talked about doing was adding yet another med to my already long list. This one to help keep my sugar level in check. Melissa has talked about it but hasn't yet. For some reason my Cholesterol level didn't get done when I went for labs last time so I have until the beginning of Nov. to see if he will do something with that.

I've taken the jump and I'm going to try once again to quit smoking. I'm using Chantix this time. This med can have some really ugly side effects but it's day 2 and so far, so good. Day 4 there is actually an increase in the medication so that will be a big test and I believe Day 6 there is an increase. On Day 8 and on going, you stay on the same dose. So it's just a matter of a short time and I'll know if I can take it or not.

I've started seeing a therapist down her. I've seen her twice and we are still in the "getting to know you" phase. But so far so good. And me being me - we jumped right in this week with the self-care stuff. Hey - why wait until she knows more about me. Let her work for her money!
I talk with Pam on Monday and I don't know when Dr. Gold and Pam will get to talk and get caught up on things. I've told Dr. Gold some background stuff but there is still more to tell.


Maggie will be coming down with Ryan for a visit next week. Cami and Lydia will be driving up to get them and bring them down so they don't have to take the bus. This is their own vacation, get-a-way from all that has been going on.

More - later.

Time Marches On

Things have been a little busy around here lately as I try to stay on top of everything that is going on.

Everything with my surgery went fine. I went to my follow-up appointment and all was well. Unless I have any problems, I don't have to go back to see him until next year.

My friend Maggie (who has Lupus), was in the hospital for about a week but didn't tell any of us until after she was released. She was in the cardiac care unit. Her Lupus has attacked her heart. It is moving into more of her organs. She didn't want to tell any of us because she didn't want us to worry.
We not only worry about her physical health, we all worry about her mental health.
Her husband just doesn't want to get it. It is all about him and he doesn't care how Maggie feels. If things are done the way he wants he isn't happy. The only thing to his credit is he does work 2 jobs. What he did so wrong this time around, was not take any time off from either job while she was in the hospital. He didn't even ask. It was an inconvience for him. He had to make sure that their son had a place to be during the day and night. He wouldn't ask for time off because he's going out to CA. in August. His true colors showed through this time around. He has never wanted to see what Maggie couldn't do but this is the worst he has been.
I believe he understands she can't do everything and that her Lupus limits how much she can actually get done but I don't think he wants to "see" it. He just expects her to keep doing no matter what.

So, for her sanity and health, Cami and Lydia, will be going to NJ to get Maggie and Ryan and bring them to NC when Maggie gets the all clear from her Doctor (probably in August). She will get some well needed rest and Ryan will get to have some fun and not worry about his Mom. Something he doesn't get to do very often.

Robert is coming down this coming weekend. He is flying down on Friday night and going back on Sunday, early evening. It's always a short stay when he comes down but it sure is better than him not coming down at all. It's hard to let him go after he's been here. I just want him to stay home with me.
That day is coming soon and I'm happy about it. The plan is: he will be moving down in August, sometime after the 18th. I'll check my work schedule and any appointments that I have and see if I can fly up and then drive back with him. It's been a long time coming. I know there will be an adjustment period since we haven't lived together before. There are also some other issues that need to be cleared up but they will all get handled in time. But that will happen.

Things are finally falling into place. Sometimes we just have to wait before the good things happen.

Stuff

Okay, so I noticed that I haven't updated this since April. I guess it's time since it's now getting near the end of June. Where does the time go?

I still haven't gotten a new therapist or dentist. On my to do list but they haven't been the priority recently. I do need to get busy on these since I do believe it's time to get this taken care of.

I took a cruise in May and had a good time. It was long over due and as everyone knows vacation is never long enough. And for those of you addicted to cruising, I'm ready for the next one. Good thing I have one booked at the end of Oct. This is a group cruise with the 'Cruise Fools' and I'm going with Bernie.

I've been on medical leave since June 5th. I had a hysterectomy. They sent me home from the hospital on June 6th. I stayed with a friend until Sunday and then came home. Right now I don't even feel like I went through surgey. I still get tired when I do a bunch of stuff but then again my body is still healing. I go back to work on Monday and I'm ready. I need something to challenge my mind. Try as I may, I do get bored and I can't keep my mind occupied during the day and that leads to me getting bummed out.

Robert is planning on moving down in August. He is in the process of getting everything in place to move. He is going to be selling some of his larger items that makes more sense to sell then to move. He has also been taking care of a bunch of smaller things that need to get done before he moves. The move has been long awaited. Being apart has been tough on both of us. He has come down to visit a few times but it's just not the same. It doesn't fill the void that comes when he is not here and he has the same problem. There will be an adjustment period when he does move in. We have never lived together but we will work anything out that comes up. We have managed to work through everything that has come over the past year or so. It hasn't always been easy but we've been able to do it. I think it has made our relationship strong.

That's the recap for now. It's early and I've only been awake for about an hour.

How to stop the Killings

Everyone wants to know how do we stop the killings. They try to get inside the heads of these kids who go and shoot up school campus'.

Doesn't it all begin at home. Doesn't it all start with open communication and parents who care, support and who are there for their children? Children should not be afraid to go to their parents if things are going wrong. Children should not be afraid to go to any adult if things are going wrong in their life.

Schools should not allow students to bully other students. If they know it is happening and allow it to continue - then the school becomes at fault for anything that may happen.

If the school notices a student may be depressed or has other mental health issues, they should not be afraid to go to the parents and tell them what they have observed and parents should not get defensive that their child could in no way have a problem. All children have problems and they all handle them differently.
A number of mental health issues are biological in nature but they still need to be treated. Parents need to stop being afraid of the stigma that was once attached to mental health issues and if their kids need it, get them help. The same with the kids.

If everyone pulls together for the good of the students, doesn't it only stand to reason, that there would be less violence on school campuses. If everyone treated the next person with respect, doesn't it stand to reason there would be less violence. If everyone tried to help out the next person, doesn't it stand to reason there would be less violence.

There is a pattern here - if you can't help the person out, the next person might be able to, don't turn your back on someone because you don't have the answer, find someone who can help, that might be the only way that you can help.

VT Tech Killings

The needless killings this week at VT could have been prevented if everything that everyone tried to do over the past couple of years would have worked.
People tried to get this guy help and it always fell through or he didn't follow through.
I am not backing him up in any way but he was obviously very distribed and needed psych help which he refused to get on his own.
He either knew how to play the system when they put him in the hospital or he just plainly fooled the doctors. In either case, the let him out when they should have kept him in. Of course, he didn't want to be in. For a lot of people being kept in a locked facility carries a stigma with it. One they don't want attached with their name. They don't want people to know they have mental health issues.
If he would have been forced to stay in the hospital, he would never have been able to purchase the guns but I'm sure he would have found a different way to get them.
If he would have listened to his teacher and went for help, someone would have realized how bad off he was and he would have gotten the help he needed.
This is one case where people tried and it did not work. It doesn't mean they didn't try hard enough - their hands were tied. You can't force someone to get help unless they are a danger to themselves or someone else and if you know how to play the system, you can convince the doctors in any facility you are ready to go home.

Did his parents know that he was as bad off as he was? That is one thing we haven't heard yet. If they did, did they encourage their son to get help or to hid his problems so it would not relfect bad on the family (like so many others do). Did they add to him learning to hide and not seek help? I'm not blaming the parents, it's the way they were raised, it is all they know.

We, as a country, have to stop making such a being deal out of people seeking psych help. It actually shows a sign of courage and not weakness like so many believe.
There are many reasons why people need help and no matter what the reason is, no one should be discouraged from seeking help.
We also can't blame others for our problems, as this person has done. We are each responsible for our own actions and our own choices.
Please make your choices wisely and consider your actions and how they will effect the lives of others.

My sympathies to all of those who lost loved ones at VT and I pray that you come out of this a stronger person because of this senseless tragedy.

Just Time for an Update

It's been a while since I've updated so I thought it was to catch everyone up on what has been happening.

Health

This just continues to be so much "fun". Between Melissa and Dr. Vogel (GYN), I am now trying to quit smoking again. Pretty much I need to quit before I go get "gutted". Dr. Vogel tells me that is really my only risk for the surgery. Surgery - you are wondering?! Yes, I am going to be scheduled for a hysterectomy. I am just waiting for them to call me back and let me know when it will be. I am actually looking forward to this, even though I hate having to be in the hospital. It will mean the end of the problems I've been having for about a year now. Because I work from home and I do a desk job he tells me I will most likely need only a couple of weeks off from work. I'm thinking, maybe 3 or 4. I'll see what I can convince him to give me. I don't want to go back to soon and get run down. It will still take the same amount of time to completely heal (6 weeks, tops 8 weeks). I just won't miss a lot of work. Work will be happy and I won't get bored sitting around with nothing to do.

The only time constraint I put on scheduling the surgery is, I will be cruising from May 20th - May 27 and the surgery can't interfer with my vacation.

The cruise is booked, the flights are booked. Robert and I are going to the Southern Caribbean. Some much needed time together and stress relief.
Robert came down this past weekend. It was great to spend time together, be able to talk in person, just be together. We looked over the shore excursions and tried to narrow them down to what we wanted to do. We didn't quite get there but we got close. We'll try to get them figured out before the cruise so I can book them ahead of time.

It was tough dropping Robert off at the airport this morning knowning that I'm not going to see him until we go on the cruise. At least the cruise is less than 2 months away. It's time to start that packing list and to go out and buy any of those items that we will need. I started that already today since I don't want to buy them all at one time.


For now - that's it. It's almost time for bed since morning shows up faster than it should and tomorrow is a work day.

Stranger things can happen

I always read the obits in the Hartford Courant since it's one way that Iwill find out information that I may otherwise never learn.

Today, I learned my "fathers'" wife passed away on Saturday. No big deal to me. I met her once or twice and it was many years ago. She is someone I don't know and never had a desire to get to know. Out of curiosity I read the obit and I found out that I was listed as a step-daughter. They have some nerve. After all these years of little to no contact and me not even knowing who she is and she has no real idea who I am. As a matter of fact neither does anyone in my family. I can't believe they felt they needed to list me as a step-daughter.
What did surprise me and made me somewhat angry is they did NOT list Becky as a grand-child. They listed her other grandchildern. If they had the foresight to list me, they should have done the same for Becky. At least Becky still has contact with her Grandfather, though she doesn't see him.

To me it makes no sense to include one and not the other. Becky will soon turn 20 so even if they wrote the obit a little while back there would be no reason to exclude her.

My Aunt from Lebanon actually called me this afternoon to tell me about this since she did see my name in the obit. I thanked her for calling. We chatted for a few minutes and she let me get back to lunch and I'm sure she had other things to get done.
She is one of the only family members that I can trust.

Time for an update

It's been a while since I've updated and I thought with all the "fun" I've been having I would give it a shot.

Doctor update:
I've seen Melissa a couple of more times since I've last posted. She has increased my Blood Pressure medication and she has put me on Byetta for the Pre-diabetes. I've had to make major changes to the way I eat by being on the med. I take a shot and have to eat about an hour after I take it.
My whole day revolves around when do I take my meds and when do I eat. My diet has also changed. It is now low-fat, low cholesterol and keep the sugar down. With the Byetta, Melissa told me I could lose 8 - 35 pounds. I've lost about 5 and I'm not even exercising yet.
It seems that no matter what I would have done before she put me on this medication, my body was wired to gain weight so all attempts to lose weight, was like running into a brick wall.

The shrink and I are still getting to know each other so he has me coming in about every 2 months. They had a DX on my bill of Bi-polar and I asked him why. I told him what is there doesn't really make a difference but it was something I never heard before. He told me, it wasn't suppose to be there and he waited a few months before he made a DX. He asked me what I thought my DX's were, so I told him the list.
He asked me what happens if I go off the Seroquel. Now Bernie probably remembers when I tried to change meds, spent the night in the Purple Pod and then stayed of my anti-psycotics (sp) for a couple of months. I couldn't stand to live with myself. I told John - I become self- destructive.
In my opinion, I'll be on a combo of meds for a very long time, Pam doesn't seem to think so.

Therapist
John has given me a few names to call to get hooked up with a therapist here in NC. All I have to do is find the time to make the phone calls.

GYN
And the fun begins. I have an appt. this week with a new GYN. I am over due for my yearly exam and just in case life isn't interesting enough, my period started last Saturday and the flood gates opened. Luckily, I still had Provera left from the last time and I was given the okay to take it. So not only do I get to meet the new doc, I get to dicuss this problem.

I've had my eyes checked and I have new glasses on the way.
And I still need to get a Dentist. And I do believe that it is for Doctors. Or it darn well better be.

And now some actual fun stuff.

Robert is coming down in a couple of weeks for the weekend. It's been since the end of January since we've seen each other. He is working on some of the things that he needs to get done up in Hartford so I'm hoping it won't be much longer before he can move.

I have booked a cruise for Robert and I on the Carnival Destiny on May 20th. It's a vacation we both are in much need of. We'll talk about it more when he comes down and I'll book the flights and get everything finalized. The cruise does the Southern Caribbean and goes to 2 Islands I haven't been to before: St. Lucia and Antigua. It sure helps to know that there is something fun to look forward to when things get stressful at work.