You Aren't Here

Well, Robert called this morning and the phone call turned quickly into an arguement. I guess the only good thing was, he didn't get off the phone immediately and that was the only good thing

The conversation started off normally but quickly took a turn for the worse. He asked me if I was set up wireless. He knows the answer but of course he needs to ask. I told him I was and he asked if it was hard to set up. I said I had some problems. I asked him why he was interested.

This is his first mistake: he replied, he didn't want to talk about it. Why would that be something he wouldn't want to talk about. I said to him, why did he even bring it up if he wasn't going to talk about it. We went back and forth for a bit and he finally said, that his brother was going to help him set his laptop up as wireless over at his house. So I was like, what was the big deal.
I said to him before he answered - so I guess that means you don't plan on moving soon.
He of course replied there is something wrong with your thinking. I said no, that is my automatic reaction. He tried to tell me I was being defensive. I said, no just telling you what happens

I said to him, it's not even about this question, it's something that you do often. I have explained to you often, what works best for me to keep me stable and not get me upset but you still do things your way. That is the real point. I once again said to him, it has taken me many years to figure out what works best for me.

And my favorite line: I never called to get in an arguement. If he is in a good mood, he doesn't want to cloud that with anything that isn't positive. I told him if I have something to say, I'm not going to hold back. I need to say what is on my mind, that it isn't good for me to hold things in. He of course told me that I didn't have respect for HIS feelings.

I told him, that the only time we have to talk is over the phone. That if I have something to say, that I will say it. You are NOT here and I don't know when the next time is that we are going to talk for more than 5 minutes. If you were here we could always put it off for a couple of hours or the next day. He did say something along the lines that he should have put this off until later. I told him he could have done that.

And my health issues. He finally asked about my doctors appt. that I had on Wednesday. I wasn't going to bring it up until he asked. He hurt his shoulder at work last week and I've been asking him about it - I figured the least he could was ask me about my appt.

So, I tell him that my BP dropping is a symptom of either my Blood Sugar or Thryoid not being right. That my doctor changed the dosage of my Synthroid and I need to keep track of things.
He must of asked me to repeat things 3 or 4 times. Bugs the hell out of me when he does that
He doesn't think my doctors here know what they are doing. I keep telling him that I have a handle on my medical stuff. He said he is entiltled to his opinion and I said he does. I also told him that even though I tell him what is going on, he is NOT here to see what happens, to see how I feel. It is not the same hearing about and seeing it. That my doctor is doing what has to be done.
One thing he will NOT get involved with is my medical - I have always been on top of that, I know what I'm doing and I don't need him to tell me what I should be doing, especially when he isn't HERE to know exactly what is going on
He also thinks I should be able to get off my psych meds. I would like to be able to do that too but I know it's not reality. Cut back on them maybe but I will never get off of them.

After all the time I have spent explaining to him about my automatic reactions and what works best for me - he still does things his own way and then doesn't understand why I get upset
He listens to what I say but does not take it in and try to apply it

He tells me, he thinks I like to start arguements. Which I don't. But if he would listen to what I say, if he would be willing to talk things out, if he would finally move his ass down here, things would be different. I told him there are still things we need to talk about

He tells me I don't respect his feelings. I do, when I know what they are. I don't have empathy for a lot of his feelings. He is the one who has made the decisions that have been made. He is the one who has decided he still needs to be in Hartford. So, if this is hard on him, it is his choices that has him there. Hard or not on him, I don't think he has respected my feelings for a long time and he is slowly finding out that I am going to start speaking up more and more
When he tells me that how I react or what I'm feeling is wrong - there can't be any respect.

I don't think he has a clue that the longer he puts things off, the more independent I become. The more I'm not sure I want him to be here. There are trust issues at least on my side and they need to be addressed before anything can be worked out but, he doesn't seem to think we have these issues

He actually said to me, that one of us is not communicating properly and we should have a third party present. What a novel idea!
But, I'm sure he would not like my idea and that is for him to go to therapy with me. I'm sure he will say that my therapist is no good. That she doesn't know what she is doing. But, guess what, it is either her or no one. She is a professional and she would listen to both sides and let us know what is going on
Of course the chances of this happening are slim to none because he would actually have to take time of work, which he would need to do in order to come down and go with me.

Oh, I would love to be able to discuss some of this with him in therapy. Like, what works best for me that he doesn't follow. What he doesn't realize, though I probably have told him is, that I tell my therapist both sides of the story. It's not just one sided.

So, she knows what I've said to him and what he has said to me and what are reactions have been. I don't sugar coat it. So, he wouldn't be able to get away with anything

Thing1 called me a little while ago, probably to find out if I was okay. But who knows. I choose to ignore the phone and not answer. I was not in a spot to talk with him. Not right now and maybe not until later today. I wonder how he will feel when it happens to him. He has done this to me many times. Where he has told me, he thought I needed some time. Well, this time, I am taking that time, just because I don't feel like talking with him. I am too pissed at him right now

And so - He isn't here and he doesn't know how things really are! I hope me telling him that hit some nerve in him but I doubt it.