Relationship Update - and other stuff

I think I'll start with the other stuff. I went to the doctor for my post op check up on Thursday and all is well. Now, I get to do something I don't do well at all - wait and see what happens. See if the D&C fixed the problem. If I start bleeding heavy again, I'm going to have a fit! Enough of this already! He can just make it all go away. I don't want to have to move and still have a problem that needs to be taken care of. As far as I'm concerned, he can remove all those internal parts since they aren't being of any use at all. Now, what I would really like is for the bleeding to stop all together and not come back - but with the luck I have, I am not counting on that.

Work has finally started to slow down and isn't as crazy as it was a little over a week ago. This is a good thing since I couldn't keep up that pace much longer without taking someone out. Okay, not really but I was damn close. Just ask anyone I work with. Right now the "fun" is doing our 2 (yes, I said 2) monthly status reports and our mid-year reviews. The status reports are due on Tuesday and the mid-year reviews are due on 7/7.

I gave in this week and increased my mid-day dose of Seroquel. I see my shrink on Tuesday and I'll let him know then. I can see a difference and as much as I hate to admit it, I may need to leave it at this does for awhile. Between work, waiting for the house to sell and Robert and I working on our relationship, I need to keep myself on level ground. I can't be fighting urges all the time, even if they aren't that bad.

It's sort of funny, not in a laughing sort of way, that Robert has been telling me for awhile now, that he feels like he is dealing with 2 or 3 different people when we get in a discussion/arguement. I really didn't get what he meant because he couldn't really explain it. He knew what he meant but didn't know how to tell me. He was telling me constantly I was controlling and I just didn't see it. I don't believe he meant it in the way that I was taking it. He told me he wouldn't argue with me, and my reply would be that we were having a discussion. I didn't see that I was snapping at him when I was getting angry. And he couldn't or wouldn't take the chance of trying to explain to me what he saw going on without making me worse.
Well, I had let him borrow a book called 'Sometimes I Act Crazy' and he had returned it and I've been reading it. Things have started to really fall into place for me and a number of things make sense now. I told him I understand better what he has been trying to say. He responded with, you didn't believe me but you will believe the book or Pam. I told him it wasn't that I didn't believe what he said but I needed to understand what was happening and he couldn't really explain it.
He knew exactly what was happening, he could see it but I couldn't, not with the BPD taking charge. He didn't know how to explain it to me.
This caused a major catch 22 for us.

He wanted to give me time to calm down and get my thoughts together because he didn't want to deal with me when I was angry. The more he stayed away and didn't call, the angrier I became. When he came over, we were always having serious conversations that usually ended up with nothing getting resolved.
I know this isn't the only issue we need to deal with, but it is a big one.
We have both made agreements:
If Robert says something that makes me angry, I need to find a different outlet
for my anger, instead of lashing out at him. What he says may make me angry
but, I am usually not angry at him.

Robert for his part, will not "disappear" when things get tough. Which has been
his usual way of dealing with things.

I have also asked him, that when he tells me he needs to deal with "stuff", that he at the very least needs to let me know what the stuff is. Otherwise I think he is keeping secrets, hiding things from me. I have even started to ask him to tell me when he says he has stuff to do, what it is that he has to take care of.
One of his big things here is, that he doesn't want to put more on me than I already have. My solution to this was - you can tell me what it is you need to deal with, without going into all the details, if you don't want to put to much on me but I'm here if you want to talk.

We are also going to try to spend more time just enjoying being together and not always talking about things that have to get done. Eliminate some of the stress in the relationship. Nothing has been finalized but he seems to be more willing to try this time. I think the thought of me almost telling him to walk out the door and my life made him realize how serious I was about everything I was telling him.

We still need to find the right balance in all of this and it will take a little time. But now that we both have an understanding of what was happening, we can try to "fix" it, one day at a time, one step at a time.

MEN ARE JERKS! (but we already knew that)

We'll get to the men soon....

It's been a trying couple of weeks for me and they just don't seem to end. There is always something going on which adds more stress and challenges (is this really the right word?) to my life.

They hired someone at work to take over the 'crappy' system that I work on. We were suppose to start documenting it and I was also suppose to start training him on the other system I support but one of the other Team Members has decided to retire at the end of this month. So much for getting rid of the crappy system and the crappy users.

But what the heck, there is an open position and maybe I'll get another shot at working on something else.

I had a D&C on Wednesday and I'm hoping things get just a little better than they are now. Things were on Thursday, I was just tired, as expected. Things took a slight turn downhill on Friday but nothing, according to the take home instructions, out of the ordinary. Well, this nothing better go away soon because I'm darn tired of it. I was told everything went fine with the D&C. They took some biopsies and I see my doctore on the 22nd. Let the waiting begin. We know how good I am at that. hehehe

And then, there is Robert. Who? That's pretty much what I say these days. I haven't seen him in I don't know how long. We hardly talk and when we do, he doesn't understand that there are things I want and need. He just tells me I need to respect what he is doing. My last response was, how about respecting me as a person? When we talked the last time, he was at work and there are certain places where he loses the signal. That happened when we were talking. He called back but I just refused to answer the phone. I didn't know what else to say to him. He thinks/feels I am trying to control him and I'm trying to be the boss. He also tells me I'm stubborn. I will readily admist to being stubborn but a lot of it with Robert is the way he approaches things but as much as I try to explain this to him, all I get is: I am being defensive and I don't do what he tells me.

About 3 weeks ago I gave him a letter to read since talking with him got me no where. The letter had nothing in it that I hadn't told him many, many times.

After we decided that we should spend more time talking, he decided that he needed time alone, drinking (to relax).

Basically, what I've been asking for is for him to spend more time with me, do things with each others friends, talk about and compromise on issues we don't agree on, call me when he says he is coming over and for whatever reason can't make it (there is a reason behind this besides respect and he knows it).

Oh and to do something fun sometimes. It seems that we are always so serious.

I don't believe I am asking for a lot. I have decided I have had enough of his isolation and beer drinking. I left him a voice mail today, that basically said:

'We need to talk. I don't know how long you plan on dealing with things the way you are but I'm not willing to put up with it any more. You expect me to respect how you want to handle things but what about my wants and needs, you appear to have a complete lack of respect for them. I feel like you don't want to be with me. I need to know if you even want to try and make this work because from where I sit, it doesn't feel like you want to.'

I'm sure this will only serve to upset him more. The letter I wrote, he said it was intense, though it was nothing new, or shouldn't have been. He can't keep dragging this out. There has been no support for anything I've been going through and at this point I don't even think I want his support. I have told him mulitiple tmes he is pushing me away by the way he is acting and he tells me that is not what he is trying to do. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that the more he stays away and deals with his stuff and I deal with mine, the worse he makes everything.

I personally feel, that putting things in writing made them real for him and he had to really look at them and he according to him, he is trying not to deal with reality.

The question now becomes, how long will it take him to contact me and what type of BS will he try to feed me. I want facts, details and he likes to tell stories behind his answers.

And life goes on...with or without him