Relationship Update - and other stuff

I think I'll start with the other stuff. I went to the doctor for my post op check up on Thursday and all is well. Now, I get to do something I don't do well at all - wait and see what happens. See if the D&C fixed the problem. If I start bleeding heavy again, I'm going to have a fit! Enough of this already! He can just make it all go away. I don't want to have to move and still have a problem that needs to be taken care of. As far as I'm concerned, he can remove all those internal parts since they aren't being of any use at all. Now, what I would really like is for the bleeding to stop all together and not come back - but with the luck I have, I am not counting on that.

Work has finally started to slow down and isn't as crazy as it was a little over a week ago. This is a good thing since I couldn't keep up that pace much longer without taking someone out. Okay, not really but I was damn close. Just ask anyone I work with. Right now the "fun" is doing our 2 (yes, I said 2) monthly status reports and our mid-year reviews. The status reports are due on Tuesday and the mid-year reviews are due on 7/7.

I gave in this week and increased my mid-day dose of Seroquel. I see my shrink on Tuesday and I'll let him know then. I can see a difference and as much as I hate to admit it, I may need to leave it at this does for awhile. Between work, waiting for the house to sell and Robert and I working on our relationship, I need to keep myself on level ground. I can't be fighting urges all the time, even if they aren't that bad.

It's sort of funny, not in a laughing sort of way, that Robert has been telling me for awhile now, that he feels like he is dealing with 2 or 3 different people when we get in a discussion/arguement. I really didn't get what he meant because he couldn't really explain it. He knew what he meant but didn't know how to tell me. He was telling me constantly I was controlling and I just didn't see it. I don't believe he meant it in the way that I was taking it. He told me he wouldn't argue with me, and my reply would be that we were having a discussion. I didn't see that I was snapping at him when I was getting angry. And he couldn't or wouldn't take the chance of trying to explain to me what he saw going on without making me worse.
Well, I had let him borrow a book called 'Sometimes I Act Crazy' and he had returned it and I've been reading it. Things have started to really fall into place for me and a number of things make sense now. I told him I understand better what he has been trying to say. He responded with, you didn't believe me but you will believe the book or Pam. I told him it wasn't that I didn't believe what he said but I needed to understand what was happening and he couldn't really explain it.
He knew exactly what was happening, he could see it but I couldn't, not with the BPD taking charge. He didn't know how to explain it to me.
This caused a major catch 22 for us.

He wanted to give me time to calm down and get my thoughts together because he didn't want to deal with me when I was angry. The more he stayed away and didn't call, the angrier I became. When he came over, we were always having serious conversations that usually ended up with nothing getting resolved.
I know this isn't the only issue we need to deal with, but it is a big one.
We have both made agreements:
If Robert says something that makes me angry, I need to find a different outlet
for my anger, instead of lashing out at him. What he says may make me angry
but, I am usually not angry at him.

Robert for his part, will not "disappear" when things get tough. Which has been
his usual way of dealing with things.

I have also asked him, that when he tells me he needs to deal with "stuff", that he at the very least needs to let me know what the stuff is. Otherwise I think he is keeping secrets, hiding things from me. I have even started to ask him to tell me when he says he has stuff to do, what it is that he has to take care of.
One of his big things here is, that he doesn't want to put more on me than I already have. My solution to this was - you can tell me what it is you need to deal with, without going into all the details, if you don't want to put to much on me but I'm here if you want to talk.

We are also going to try to spend more time just enjoying being together and not always talking about things that have to get done. Eliminate some of the stress in the relationship. Nothing has been finalized but he seems to be more willing to try this time. I think the thought of me almost telling him to walk out the door and my life made him realize how serious I was about everything I was telling him.

We still need to find the right balance in all of this and it will take a little time. But now that we both have an understanding of what was happening, we can try to "fix" it, one day at a time, one step at a time.