Getting to Be Christmas

Christmas is just around the corner - where has the time gone?

I still have presents to wrap, though just a few. Becky will be down after Christmas and we'll go shopping and she'll get to pick out her present(s). Though I did get her a couple of little things. I'll be going to Cami's for the day and I picked her up a couple of small things.

This year I put up a tree because it was something I wanted to do. I can't remember the last time that happened. Normally, I put up a tree but I am expected to by my daughter and it stays up the shortest amount of time possible.

On Wednesday I saw my pdoc for a med check and left with 5 scripts to send in for mail order. The joys of living through chemicals.

On Thursday I went for a Gloucose Tollerance Test (GTT). That's an all morning ordeal. Needing to be at the doctors office for 8 a.m. (they have their own lab) and doing the necessary labs when you get there and twice after and finally the very hurtful finger prick before you get to leave. But not before you are handed juice and crackers to raise you blood sugar level. I also had a physical. This is the 3rd time that I've seen my new doctor. So far she has added 2 new prescription meds and 2 OTC meds to my already long list of meds. She is already planning on what med she is going to put me on when she sees the results of the GTT.

I've been trying to watch what I eat since I've last seen her 6 weeks ago and I've only lost a couple of pounds which I guess is good considering my body makeup is such that it is going to cause me to gain weight right now. Based on the results of my test and the med she puts me on, I'll at least stop gaining and it should make it easier for me to lose weight. So, all this time when I've tried to lose weight, it was a battle that I wasn't going to win no matter what.
Isn't so nice when your body works against everything you are trying to do. NOT!

This week at Work

One would think that being a short work week (we only had to work 3 days), things would be fairly laid back and easy. After all half the people were out.

Boy, were we in for a big surprise. Monday was a "normal" work day. Pretty much uneventful. Same crap from the customers, same crap that had to be taken care of.
Tuesday morning I logged on early since we had to see why a client didn't get their file and yup it fell into my lap. While checking that out my boss calls me before 6:30 a.m.
Now, my boss and I never talk before 7:30 a.m. He tells me we have problems. I proceed to let him know that I'm looking into this file. He says we need to check that out but we have bigger problems. That nothing ran Monday night, there were Mainframe problems and he was on conference calls with the other managers and the tech guys. They had decided that they were not going to run the batch for Monday night and double up for Tuesday. That works nicely for most of the systems but not for the billing system. We have never doubled up on the billing system before.

We talked when everyone got in because some of the jobs ran before the system decided to take a hit and then some of the jobs ran in the morning after they got the system to limp along.
Our plan was to try to get them to let us run day time, complete Monday's cycle and be on track for Tuesday night. HA! Everyone said no. The system was up and running but they didn't have it completely up and running and they couldn't allow us to chew up all the CPU cycles.

Shift gears, who can work that night to babysit the Billing System and the 2 other systems that we own. It turns out that anyone not on vacation, ended up working that night. There were 1 or 2 people not involved in the recovery so there were a few people in during the day as those of us who stayed all night slowly left and went home to sleep.
I only slept a couple of hours, did a couple of errands and logged back on to relieve the person who was staying to someone else came back. Of course there were a number of jobs that had failed because data was available to send to outside clients or the connections weren't working right. So, I kept getting hit with those errors. We were lucky because the Tech guy we were working with, was very flexible and picked up a lot of the slack on this for us. He didn't have to.

In between trouble shooting, we have our customers asking us to do things they can do themselves (nothing new), trying to figure out how to run Tuesday nights processing which would actually be Tues/Wed processing.

People working Wednesday night started to float in around 5 p.m. I stayed on for awhile on Wednesday but there wasn't much I could do except watch and check out a few jobs. I told them if they needed me to call, wake me if they had to. I just can't work those hours like I used to!
When I woke up on Turkey day - they were still working, trying to get some critical pieces of the processing done. They eventually called someone who had retired to help them out so they could get through the processing.

I logged off yesterday around 11 and they were still on. I checked around 12:30 and thankfully they were all logged off. One of the guys gets on last night and sends me an IM to see if I know about some outside Client. Now he is one of the guys that worked both Tuesday and Wednesday night. Luckily the problem turned out not to be ours and the other area figured out what they needed to do but I had already logged onto work. I also switch the on call list and put myself on call a couple of days early.
I just need a ton of prayers right now that everything will run smoothly next week. I don't know if I can handle being up all night most nights next week.

That was our short holiday week. That week that should be fairly easy and quiet at work. There is some clean up and followup to do and I know I'm going to try and get my stuff at least started today or tomorrow.

Life in the FAST lane!

More on Doctors

I had 2 doctors appointments this week. How does one person get so lucky.
My first appt was with my new pdoc or actually the PA that works in the office. He is very nice and knows my PA that is my PCP. Of course they were running behind but after he picked up my chart, it was about a 1/2 hour before he came out to get me. The receptionist told me he had my chart and she didn't know what was taking so long. It turns out that he was reading all the medical information that I provided (I have very detailed information) and he was trying to figure out what he needed to ask.
He told me I was a pretty complicated case - though I am stable in the psych area at this time. He didn't rush through anything and didn't try to just push me out the door. I like the fact that he is going to take his cues from me as to what needs to be done with my psych meds. I go back to see him in 6 weeks more so to get to know each other better than anything else. He also wants me to meet the psychiatrist in case there is ever a need that I need to see him, I won't be dealing with a stranger.

I also saw Melissa (PA - PCP) and she reviewed my lab results with me. Oh what fun that was - NOT!
Here's the deal with this: I am now taking meds for high blood pressure and for high cholesterol. I am scheduled for a Glucose Tolerance Test on 12/21 and she'll do a physcial on the same day since I'll be there for so long. They'll also repeat some of the labs, I believe. And she added Fish Oil Capsules also. I'm going to have to get bigger med containers at this rate.
Melissa is almost postive that I have Diabetes but the GTT will tell her that and depending on the results I'll be put on another med.

Of course, it is time to change what I eat and I need to get some exercise in. At some point, I need to quit smoking again but she isn't pushing that yet - she said she knows how hard it is to quit. I'm just happy she isn't making me eat fish!

Now I need to get a GYN and Melissa has given me the name of a place to call. If I didn't have abnormal Paps - she would do them but I wouldn't be normal if I wasn't abnormal.

Then the final doctor to get - the dentist. I'm due for a cleaning in Jan so it's almost time to get busy with that one so they will be able to get my records before my appt.

For now, I'm still using my therapist in CT and I"m in no rush to change that. At some point Pam and I will decide if continuing with phone sessions is good enough, stopping therapy for a while might be okay or getting a new therapist here would be a good idea. For now, it works so we don't try to fix it.

New Doctors

Met my new PA for Internal Medicine yesterday. Did the basic new patient appointment and reviewed my medical history, and there is enough to keep her busy for awhile.
She was curious as to why I wasn't on meds for cholesteral - told her my doc didn't want to put me on any more meds. She informed me that they wouldn't interact with my psych meds at all.
I also found out that "white coat" hypertension, really means that you have high blood pressure. Just because it goes down while you are in the office doesn't mean they don't have to take it seriously.
The other thing I found out is The side effects listed for Seroquel or any other meds that list diabetes - doesn't really give you diabetes. It actually brings out what you would normally get sooner than you would have gotten it anyway. This means since I'm predisposed to it, it has nothing to do with the med - it's the way of my life.

Melissa (PA) has started me on an asprin a day until I see her in 2 weeks for my physical. I went to visit the Vampire today. It's nice they do it right in the office. She'll go over the lab results and give me a copy and talk about an action plan all at the same time as the physical.

Basically the bottom line is, according to Melissa - I'm a heart attack waiting to happen. Nice, huh. But the good news is - she says we can turn that around.

I can't wait to see what she tells me in 2 weeks.

What is wrong with People these days?

What is wrong with people these days? There have been so many killings. People going into schools and shooting innocent children. Lately I've read more and more cases of child abuse - physical in nature where the child has died. These are little kids, that did nothing wrong.
Senators behaving in ways that are not appropriate. Every where you look these days, someone is doing something they shouldn't be.

In some of the cases, these poeple had been abused when they were younger or had abused others. They kept those secrets and eventually that anger had to go somewhere. Instead of getting themselves professional help, they have taken it out on others. Others, that had nothing to do with their pain and suffering.
With all the awareness of sexual abuse these days, anyone who has been abused should seek help once they know or suspect it has happened to them. It no longer has to be kept a secret. Every one has a choice to make. They can either become an abuser themselves or they can get help and stop the cycle. The strong ones, stop the cycle.
For the guy who killed the Amish girls, who struggled with the death of his infant daughter and who also was having dreams of abusing children again, it would have shown strength on his part to go and get help. Instead, he took it out on those who had nothing to do with his pain. The only good that came of it, was he killed himself.
And what about the kids who go into the schools and kill other kids. They have habored anger, a lot of the times because they have been bullied. These kids are depressed and even if they are being treated, no one is taking notice as to how they are doing or what they are doing. If they had more parental guidance and parents paid more attention to where their kids went on the internet, things may be different.
There will always be killings, kidnappings and rapes but, it just seems to keep getting worse not matter what is done to try and stop it.

How do we (as a country), get all these people to understand that violence does not solve anything?

Time for an Update

It's been awhile since I've posted. Since I didn't go back and read my last post, if any of this is duplicated - sorry, you'll just have to put up with it.

I'm in NC, in the house and somewhat settled in. There are still boxes all over that need to be unpacked and I still don't know where some of the things are going.
But I'm HERE!!!!! I'm working from home and things are working out great on that front!
Speaking of work, my manager called the other day and I got a 7.2% increase. The department average is 3.5% so I wondered (only for a second or two), who got less because I got more. Oh well, not mine to worry about.

Robert isn't here yet. He's been trying but everything just seems to be going wrong in CT. He wanted to trade his car for a different on before he came down. It should have been a fairly easy thing to do but NO, not in this case. Because I co-sign on the loan and I just moved, that became issue number 1 that had to be explained to the bank. He wanted to keep the payments below a certain amount so the dealership (VW in West Hartford), tried different types of financing (me first, Robert first, me alone). Well, they couldn't do me alone because I had switched my insurance to NC already.
BTW - the finance guy there is an idiot, don't go deal with him. He doesn't fully answer questions and says everything is all set even when it isn't.

There was information that Robert had to give them. He would bring it in, with the understanding he would be able to pick up the car and when he got there, he would be told of another problem with the paper work or that they needed more information. When he tried to back out of the deal, they told him they already paid off the other car, even though he didn't have one to legally drive (until they put dealer plates on it). My question, if they paid off the other car, why is there still a problem with the loan papers on this one? He had no answer and trying to get the right information from the finance guy was like talking to a teenager who only gives you part of the information. Robert called from his office one day and I talked with him to make sure that everything was all set. He told me things were all set now and everything was fine. I tried to ask more questions, like why it was taking so long or something like that. And he just repeated that everything was all set. He blew me off and it wasn't because I was female. Robert wasn't getting any better information. It still took another 3 or 4 days before they were ready to register the car.
One would think that would be the end of this tale but it's not. It's get deeper and deeper. When they go to do the final registration, they find that Roberts birthday on the old registration is wrong and they can't fix it. He has to go to motor vehicle to get it fixed. He has to get some paperwork sent to them before they can register it, in the mean time he has some temporary registration.
All I keep saying is: I can't wait to get the customer survey form about this sale!!

When I moved I made a decision not to tell my "father" and "sister" that I was moving. When I got here I sent out change of address forms and only notified 3 of my relatives that I had moved and informed them that I didn't want them telling anyone else where I was. I knew I could trust them. I also sent one to Bernie with notes inside to my "father" and "sister" which stated: that I had moved and at this time, I had decided not to tell them where I was. If there was any family news that they needed to get to me, they could call Bernie and I gave them her number.
She then mailed them from CT. This way they didn't know I was out of state.

Bernie received a call from my "sister", which she told me about. Of course when she told me she had a phone call for me, I started laughing. I don't think she had stopped laughing since she heard the message.
The message basically said: "Hi Bernie this is Judy. You can tell my sibling that if she is still that (I'm guessing angry), she can read about any family news in the newspaper. I consider this an act of divorce.
Once again she has taken things to the extreme and has read them her own way! She doesn't know that others in the family have my address and phone number to contact me. One of the reasons I moved was to eliminate the contact from both of them. They just didn't get I didn't want to hear from them.

I suppose that is all for now. I should go make something to eat and then do some more unpacking. Those elves still haven't shown up to help me do that task.

Happenings

Today was my last day of work until 9/6 when I start working from home in NC.

Work has really sucked lately. I have been stuck working on some stuff, that though it isn't that hard, I was just dumped into with little to no direction because the other person who works on it, has been stretched to thin. To make it more fun and interesting, we end up having to change the same programs and jobs so everything has to be coordinated all the time. This is our Affinity business where Brokers are out selling discounted insurance to different companies and they promise these companies that they can start by a certain date and then of course we need to meet those dates. They do ask if we can make it, but by the time it gets to us, it's pretty much a done deal. Our management has to start pushing back and not let the customers walk all over us. We don't have time to breathe right now. There is one person who is currently working full time on this. They have me working about 90% of my time on this, oh wait, I think that is really all my time and anything else I just squeeze in. And there is one more person who is working part-time on it. They are hiring someone who will be working full-time on this once they are up to speed. I have made it very clear that if I have to keep working on this, I will be an unhappy camper and I will be bored when things are not as "hot" as they are now. Hopefully my boss took the hint.
We've been having 2 - 3 meeting a day to check on the status of the "hot" projects. If he would just leave us alone and let us do our job, things wouldn't take so long.
It's not going to be any better when I start back to work and if there are any problems with any of the systems that I support, it's a juggling act to get all of it done.

Now for what you are probably more interested in - the move!

Things are moving along. My closing date is now the 28th and I'm pre-signing the papers and my lawyer will make my deposit so I can get on the road as early as possible. My closing in NC is on the 31st. Finding Homeowners' insurance has been a challenge and I have finally found someone who will write the policy. NC has some very strange insurance laws and companies have some very strange rules themselves. I still need to get my car insurance but that is a piece of cake.
The house is almost all packed up except for the dreaded basement. I think most of what is left down there is going curbside. If I haven't used it or looked at it in this long, I see no reason to bring it with me. The garbage me must love coming to my house. If I get up in time tomorrow, I will put more stuff out. The week after, they will have some of my stuff and stuff from the people who bought my house.

I'm running on empty these days and the only thing that is keeping me going right now is the 'death by chocolate' that I've been eating today. I guess it's true that if you eat enough sugar you can get hyper.

I'll keep you updated on the move and happenings.

Time For an Update

It's been some time since I provided an update and there's been a whole lot going on. Some of this really belongs on my other Blog but I have enough trouble keeping one updated, never mind two.

My house is under deposit and the buyers have until 8/8 to secure a mortgage. From what my realator tells me, everything is on track and there shouldn't be any problems. The currently scheduled closing date is 8/25.

We (yes, Robert is coming with me) have made an offer on a house in Leland, NC and it was accepted. I am in the process of signing papers for a mortgage and gathering all the necessary papers together to send back to NC. The scheduled closing there is 8/31.

As you can tell, it's going to be a very busy month - the problem right now is, I'm having trouble getting going. I've been very tired lately and I'm not sure why. I'm just going to have to push through it to get everything done. The good news is, I've already made a big dent in things when I needed to declutter.

If anyone knows of anyone looking for a hutch and dining room table, I have one that can be had for cheap. I'm not moving that with me. I also have a portable punching bag that I'm willing to part with. There may be other things I'm willing to part with, just ask, you never know what might be available. There are things I'm just not using or I just don't want to take.

Things with Robert and I are going ok. We've had our ups and downs but we always come out on the good side of things. We still have things to work out and I believe we will be able to do it. Right now we are both under a lot of stress (not that it is an excuse) and that doesn't help.

I talked with my Real Estate Agent in NC this afternoon and while we were talking she told me that the house we are buying was connected to the county sewer this past weekend! WOOOHOOO! ! ! Sure beats the septic system! Such strange things we get excited over.

That's it for now. Except that I'm looking for people to help me clean out the mess in the basement. Any volunteers? ! ?

Relationship Update - and other stuff

I think I'll start with the other stuff. I went to the doctor for my post op check up on Thursday and all is well. Now, I get to do something I don't do well at all - wait and see what happens. See if the D&C fixed the problem. If I start bleeding heavy again, I'm going to have a fit! Enough of this already! He can just make it all go away. I don't want to have to move and still have a problem that needs to be taken care of. As far as I'm concerned, he can remove all those internal parts since they aren't being of any use at all. Now, what I would really like is for the bleeding to stop all together and not come back - but with the luck I have, I am not counting on that.

Work has finally started to slow down and isn't as crazy as it was a little over a week ago. This is a good thing since I couldn't keep up that pace much longer without taking someone out. Okay, not really but I was damn close. Just ask anyone I work with. Right now the "fun" is doing our 2 (yes, I said 2) monthly status reports and our mid-year reviews. The status reports are due on Tuesday and the mid-year reviews are due on 7/7.

I gave in this week and increased my mid-day dose of Seroquel. I see my shrink on Tuesday and I'll let him know then. I can see a difference and as much as I hate to admit it, I may need to leave it at this does for awhile. Between work, waiting for the house to sell and Robert and I working on our relationship, I need to keep myself on level ground. I can't be fighting urges all the time, even if they aren't that bad.

It's sort of funny, not in a laughing sort of way, that Robert has been telling me for awhile now, that he feels like he is dealing with 2 or 3 different people when we get in a discussion/arguement. I really didn't get what he meant because he couldn't really explain it. He knew what he meant but didn't know how to tell me. He was telling me constantly I was controlling and I just didn't see it. I don't believe he meant it in the way that I was taking it. He told me he wouldn't argue with me, and my reply would be that we were having a discussion. I didn't see that I was snapping at him when I was getting angry. And he couldn't or wouldn't take the chance of trying to explain to me what he saw going on without making me worse.
Well, I had let him borrow a book called 'Sometimes I Act Crazy' and he had returned it and I've been reading it. Things have started to really fall into place for me and a number of things make sense now. I told him I understand better what he has been trying to say. He responded with, you didn't believe me but you will believe the book or Pam. I told him it wasn't that I didn't believe what he said but I needed to understand what was happening and he couldn't really explain it.
He knew exactly what was happening, he could see it but I couldn't, not with the BPD taking charge. He didn't know how to explain it to me.
This caused a major catch 22 for us.

He wanted to give me time to calm down and get my thoughts together because he didn't want to deal with me when I was angry. The more he stayed away and didn't call, the angrier I became. When he came over, we were always having serious conversations that usually ended up with nothing getting resolved.
I know this isn't the only issue we need to deal with, but it is a big one.
We have both made agreements:
If Robert says something that makes me angry, I need to find a different outlet
for my anger, instead of lashing out at him. What he says may make me angry
but, I am usually not angry at him.

Robert for his part, will not "disappear" when things get tough. Which has been
his usual way of dealing with things.

I have also asked him, that when he tells me he needs to deal with "stuff", that he at the very least needs to let me know what the stuff is. Otherwise I think he is keeping secrets, hiding things from me. I have even started to ask him to tell me when he says he has stuff to do, what it is that he has to take care of.
One of his big things here is, that he doesn't want to put more on me than I already have. My solution to this was - you can tell me what it is you need to deal with, without going into all the details, if you don't want to put to much on me but I'm here if you want to talk.

We are also going to try to spend more time just enjoying being together and not always talking about things that have to get done. Eliminate some of the stress in the relationship. Nothing has been finalized but he seems to be more willing to try this time. I think the thought of me almost telling him to walk out the door and my life made him realize how serious I was about everything I was telling him.

We still need to find the right balance in all of this and it will take a little time. But now that we both have an understanding of what was happening, we can try to "fix" it, one day at a time, one step at a time.

MEN ARE JERKS! (but we already knew that)

We'll get to the men soon....

It's been a trying couple of weeks for me and they just don't seem to end. There is always something going on which adds more stress and challenges (is this really the right word?) to my life.

They hired someone at work to take over the 'crappy' system that I work on. We were suppose to start documenting it and I was also suppose to start training him on the other system I support but one of the other Team Members has decided to retire at the end of this month. So much for getting rid of the crappy system and the crappy users.

But what the heck, there is an open position and maybe I'll get another shot at working on something else.

I had a D&C on Wednesday and I'm hoping things get just a little better than they are now. Things were on Thursday, I was just tired, as expected. Things took a slight turn downhill on Friday but nothing, according to the take home instructions, out of the ordinary. Well, this nothing better go away soon because I'm darn tired of it. I was told everything went fine with the D&C. They took some biopsies and I see my doctore on the 22nd. Let the waiting begin. We know how good I am at that. hehehe

And then, there is Robert. Who? That's pretty much what I say these days. I haven't seen him in I don't know how long. We hardly talk and when we do, he doesn't understand that there are things I want and need. He just tells me I need to respect what he is doing. My last response was, how about respecting me as a person? When we talked the last time, he was at work and there are certain places where he loses the signal. That happened when we were talking. He called back but I just refused to answer the phone. I didn't know what else to say to him. He thinks/feels I am trying to control him and I'm trying to be the boss. He also tells me I'm stubborn. I will readily admist to being stubborn but a lot of it with Robert is the way he approaches things but as much as I try to explain this to him, all I get is: I am being defensive and I don't do what he tells me.

About 3 weeks ago I gave him a letter to read since talking with him got me no where. The letter had nothing in it that I hadn't told him many, many times.

After we decided that we should spend more time talking, he decided that he needed time alone, drinking (to relax).

Basically, what I've been asking for is for him to spend more time with me, do things with each others friends, talk about and compromise on issues we don't agree on, call me when he says he is coming over and for whatever reason can't make it (there is a reason behind this besides respect and he knows it).

Oh and to do something fun sometimes. It seems that we are always so serious.

I don't believe I am asking for a lot. I have decided I have had enough of his isolation and beer drinking. I left him a voice mail today, that basically said:

'We need to talk. I don't know how long you plan on dealing with things the way you are but I'm not willing to put up with it any more. You expect me to respect how you want to handle things but what about my wants and needs, you appear to have a complete lack of respect for them. I feel like you don't want to be with me. I need to know if you even want to try and make this work because from where I sit, it doesn't feel like you want to.'

I'm sure this will only serve to upset him more. The letter I wrote, he said it was intense, though it was nothing new, or shouldn't have been. He can't keep dragging this out. There has been no support for anything I've been going through and at this point I don't even think I want his support. I have told him mulitiple tmes he is pushing me away by the way he is acting and he tells me that is not what he is trying to do. He doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that the more he stays away and deals with his stuff and I deal with mine, the worse he makes everything.

I personally feel, that putting things in writing made them real for him and he had to really look at them and he according to him, he is trying not to deal with reality.

The question now becomes, how long will it take him to contact me and what type of BS will he try to feed me. I want facts, details and he likes to tell stories behind his answers.

And life goes on...with or without him

Long Time no Post

I was informed tonight (by Bernie) that I hadn't updated my blog in a long time so I thought I should at least come out here and provide some sort of an update.
I've been trying to keep my head above water at work. Things have been crazy and busy. There are days I don't know which way is up. The good news is we are getting a new person on Tuesday that I will be training to take over some of my work and I will eventually be moving over to help on the Billing System. I'm not sure it's much better but at least I get rid of my very stupid users.

I've not been having a fun month. I've been on Provera for a good part of the month. I'm on it for the second time right now and it's not working as well as it did the first time. The good news is, or at least I hope it will be good news, on June 7th, I'm scheduled for a D&C. My doctor isn't doing it, but at this point, I don't really care as long as the problem gets fixed.
And just incase that wasn't enough, I had an infected toe. And just in case you want to know what I did to it, the answer is, I have no idea. But I don't actually have to do anything to have something go wrong with me. Also have the muscle above my right knee, seems to be crampped up and hurts like hell when I move. Oh well, I guess it could be worse.

Ok, now for the stuff that most of you really want to know about.
I don't know what is going on with Robert and I except he keeps digging himself into a deeper hole. We'll talk and we'll agree to talk more. I'll try to be more open with him. But, then he isn't available when I try to call. I know he can't always answer the phone when he is at work but he doesn't even call me back when he gets off work.
I left him a message on Thursday that basically said, that I don't know why he hasn't called me back but I'm trying to be more open with him but he's making it very difficult.
He called me Friday afternoon but I was napping, since I had the day off. When I woke up, I called him back and he hasn't called me back yet. I called him twice today and it went straight to voice mail which means he has his phone shut off.

Pretty strange way to show that you want to try to make something work. He's making my decision way to easy. I'm sure he'll have some reason that he will expect me to be okay with, but I won't. He won't be able to convince me this time, that things can be okay.
He either has to decide that he wants to really try and make this work or he needs to be honest with himself and me that it isn't going to work because he is not willing to change his behaviors.

I have no problem moving without him and he knows it. I will hear him out but I don't expect the out come of the conversation will be a good one.

I spelled out what I needed

Robert stopped by this morning. It seems he has been trying to call me since Wednesday and hasn't been able to get in touch with me. Now, I haven't received any calls from him on my cell phone but he did say his phone was acting up some. I called him on Wednesday and he said he called me back 20 minutes later but I didn't get the call. As much as I didn't try to do this, maybe now he knows what it feels like not to have someone answer his calls for days on end. Maybe it did him some good.

He asked how I was and I gave him the standard answer of I was managing and doing as best as I could be with everything going on. But that wasn't what he really wanted to hear. I asked if he had time to sit and talk for awhile and he did. I didn't have a lot of time since there was a showing at 10:30 and I had things to get done.

I started by telling him, it was about the same old things I always bring up but with us talking about moving together we needed to discuss them.

I explained to him that I didn't feel like I was in a relationship. Maybe because of the move but something needs to be done because if things are going to be the way they are now, we aren't going to move together. I can't move and bring a relationship that isn't going to work. I reminded him that I can't do everything by myself, yet that is what I've been doing, including moving things I shouldn't be. And I've been working at night. As far as being more open with him, I told him when I feel like talking he is not around, so I'll write and when he does come over, it just doesn't matter any more. I don't want to bring things up any more - what's the point. I told him that if we are going to move together, that I need to see things start to change now, I need to know before moving that we really have a relationship. I can't wait to find out after we move if things are going to work or not.

Some of what he said - cause some of it is still working through my mind.

He said we are both leader type people. He also told me I am stubborn. Yeah, okay I know this but there are ways to approach things which make it so I won't be so stubborn. I reminded him that instead of telling me what he wants done around the house or how he wants things, he needs to suggest and we need to talk about it. The minute he tells me to do something, I'm not going to do it.

With having to show the house, it is a lot cleaner then it has ever been. Actually it doesn't feel like a home at all right now. He told me, he thought I turned around about keeping the house cleaner when he saw it all cleaned up. So, I explained to him, what it was missing - pictures on the wall, knick knacks - things that make it a home. And I didn't clean it because of anything that he said.

Now the one thing that can kill any relationship is money problems and Robert is having his and I'm doing things around the house and trying to pay down the credit card that I put that work on. So, that doesn't help much. When he has something to work on, he pretty much stays to himself and focuses on the problem he needs to take care of. This means that he will spend less time here.

He also decided that he needs to work on getting his things done and I need to work on getting my things done around the house, instead of trying to work together. This meant that we really didn't spend much time together at all and when we did, it really was relaxed time.

I am constantly bringing up that we need to do some fun things. He said that he knows I would like to do things but they cost money and of course that is an issue. I told him, there are things we can do that don't cost a lot of money, even go for a ride. All work and no play. I think he understands this one.

I told him we both need to work together and compromise on things.

He said that he is a fault for not spending enough time here and being here for me.

The ball is in his court so to speak. He knows where things stand. I didn't actually come out and tell him that I would move without him but I did tell him that I couldn't move and bring a relationship that I didn't feel wasn't really there.

I refuse to put myself in a situation of a bad relationship and move to a new place.

I think this time he really listened to me and it sunk in. Somehow the thought of us not moving together might have hit home with him.

When I first brought up the subject of "would things be different when we moved", he said he felt the honestly would. Then I told him that I needed to see it before it we moved. Sometimes a little harsh reality has to hit us before we are willing to open up our eyes to what someone else really needs.

Tomorrow (Sunday), there are a couple of showings and he told me that he was going to come by and pick me up. I have no idea what we are going to do and I don't really care. The point is, he is taking the time to spend time with me when he has other things to do (study for some class at work). I know he will be attentive for awhile what I need to wait and see is, if he works on carrying through with this from now on.

Selling and Moving

It's time for an update on how things are going in respect to moving.

My house will be on the Market at the end of next week. We have not set an actual selling price yet but the high end the real estate agent feels I can put it on the market for is 226,600. We will work out all the details next Thursday when she comes over to fill out the paper work and take pictures.
I'm still in the process of cleaning and clearing things out but I will be ready by next Thursday.

I've been checking out houses in the Wilmington area of NC online for some time. Now that it is getting closer, I've sent Cami some addresses so she can let me know how the areas are and if they are worth moving to. I don't want to end up in an area that I won't be happy in, even if I like the house. This will also cut down on the amount of actual time I need to spend looking at houses.

And today I was told, that I will be able to work from home. All the details are not in place and I don't have the all yet but the way it works is: there is a 3 month trial period to make sure it works for both me and my manager. After that if it is working for us, there are yearly contracts. I'm excited about this. Not only don't I have to look for a job when I move but I won't have to start working at a new place at the same time I start living in a new place.

The only thing that is really up in the air is what is happening with Robert and I for the long term. It's the same old stuff, nothing has changed. I have told him that we need to talk when we both aren't tired.
I want to try to do this differently than we normally do and maybe something different will come out of it.

I've made a list of issues that I need to discuss and I'll ask him to make one also or just add to mine. I would rather he made his own and then we combine them. This way he doesn't try to counter mine.
Once the list is complete, we need to tackle one issue at a time. As it is now, we always end up talking about a number of things and nothing ever changes. I have also found a number of documents online on effective communication that I'm going to ask him to read before we start. Hopefully this will make a difference.

More updates to follow....

The Passing of a Good Man

Wayne passed away on Sunday, the day after Patricks' birthday. Eileen told me that for the last couple of days that Wayne was alive he didn't have any blood pressure but he kept breathing.

Wayne had Alzheimers (sp). It would have been 10 years this June. He was so full of life before he got sick and he was so young. He was only 63 when he passed away. The disease started slow but picked up speed and it took over his body fast. Wayne was not Wayne. He was locked inside himself and couldn't get out. It was so unfair, the disease is so unfair. It had been touch and go for him for awhile now.
Eileen kept him at home and took care of him. She would never consider putting him in a home. She has a heart of gold and the strength that surpasses anyone else that I know. Besides taking care of her husband as he declined, she ran a home daycare and took in foster kids (female teenagers). She didn't do it all alone, her sister lives with her and has helped her out.

Patrick has just turned 20 and like anyone else has had a difficult time over the years adjusting to what was happening to his father. He has adjusted. I think he learned to accept what, in the end was going to happen no matter what. He has written a couple of poems that I haven't had a chance to read yet but I will. He has some deep thoughts and good insights. When his grandmother passed away he wrote a poem for her expressing his feelings and it was excellent.

I read tonight a writing done by Waynes' granddaughter. She was 9 when he got sick and she didn't get it and didn't want to talk about it. The writing talked about her feelings through her years. How she didn't want to talk about it or accept it. How she learned more about what was happening. How she was angry and thought she was the only one. It went on for a full page that was typed. I hadn't cried until I read this. What she wrote, what she had inside was beautiful. She got it, she understood that her grandpa was a peace but he wasn't really gone.

Eileen and Wayne have been a part of my life about 17 1/2 years. They are just like family. Just ask Becky, she is family. She can come and go as she pleases in that house and no one thinks anything of it. She has worked for Eileen over the summer once she was too old to be one of the "day care kids".

I have to question in the big picture of life, what is Gods' plan to take the life out of a man that has so much to give. Sure, it taught a lot of people about a terrible disease and that people can rally together and love each other to pull through and go on. But why take someone so good, with so much to give to others, with so many who love him? Why is it always the good that have to go, that have to suffer?

I don't understand. I don't think I will ever understand.

Must be one of the top 10 Tacky B-day cards!

My birthday is just around the corner and even though I don't talk to my family and I've made it clear to them I don't want anything to do with them, my "sister" and "father" feel they must send cards for my b-day and Christmas.

I received a card from my "sister" today. Probably one of the better cards she sent since it was very plain and if she would have just left it at that, all she would have done was waste her money one more time. I have yet to figure out why they keep sending cards when they know I don't want any contact.

I guess she figured as long as she was going to spend the $.39 to mail the stupid card she may as well pass along some "family" news. Now, even before I distanced myself from my so called family, this family excluded my "sister" and I from just about every event that happened since my parents separated and were divorced. And if it didn't happen right away, it did happen over time. So except for a select few, there was no closeness with the "family" before I put the distance in place.

That being said, written in the b-day card from my "sister" was the following (and I am quoting this):

'And I wish to let you know that Aunt Imelda's son Michael died ...Cancer, and cousin Delphis' son Richard has been in CCU at Windham ... basically a cold turned into pneumonia.'

I had an uncle who passed away a few months ago, my "father" called to tell me. I didn't bother to ask why no one bother to tell me he was sick. Again, no one told me Michael was sick, but thought I should know he "died". I suppose I was told about Richard only because the bitch was sending a card anyway.

I hardly remember some of these people and some I don't remember at all. Yes, I feel bad that they have passed but they haven't been a part of my life and it has no impact - though I guess some feel it should.

So as I wait for the next unwanted b-day card to show up, I'll have to wonder if that will contain any news that I don't care about.

.....

The "JOY" of Relationships

This has been a difficult week, at best. Robert and I have been at odds over a number of things and the tension just seems to grow.
He is finally getting over having pneuonia and getting his strength back and I think that has something to do with the way things have been. Yes, we've had problems in the past but this time it has been worse.

To do a quick sum of what is happening - what it comes down to is, if things aren't his way or I don't do things the way he suggest, then I'm being defensive. If I try to explain why I did or didn't, it is just an excuse.

OKay - there has been a slight delay in the typing of my blog. Some of you may know that awhile back that I was "seeing" things. Well, come to find out that the mouse that I thought I saw one day is really, real. I know that because while I was typing something ran across the floor and I was: oh shit, here we go again. But this time, I got up and went and looked. Very carefully. I moved the couch out and there looking up at me was a little mouse face. Now what to do because I don't know how to catch it and if I do it will stay trapped somehow until Robert comes over and takes care of it.
The real "fun" - how do I sleep tonight knowing that there is a mouse running around in the house?

Now - back to the featured show.

On the subject of being defensive, Robert has a habit of saying things with a very stern, harsh voice. I have asked him not to do that and to try and say things differently, but he hasn't. I informed him, that how he says things makes me go on the defensive.
He has asked me to not raise my voice when we are having a discussion and I do all that I can to make sure I don't do that. In that regard, I have asked him to try and say what he feels he needs to differently. If I can try, then he should be able to. He finally agreed to trying.
I am not asking for the world, just what is fair in a relationship. I have told him it is not always what he says but how he says it.

He hasn't been around much which always gets to me. I understand that he hasn't been feeling great and is on the road to recovery. When I don't feel well, I like to be alone. So I understand to some degree him not coming over.
He also says that everyone sometimes need their own space and I also agree with that. What I don't agree with is needing almost 2 weeks of your own space.
He says he is also trying to keep his stress level down. My response was, so I'm raising your stress level. He tells me no - I have a hard time with that. Though Pam tells me that guys get stressed out just from being in a relationship.
I'm just trying to keep an open mind.

Another good one is: he tells me he doesn't feel that I respect a man when it comes to being in a relationship and having someone around and helping me.
He says this because I've lived alone for so long.
I told him he is wrong. I also told him that he hasn't given me a chance. He doesn't spend that much time here when he does come around so I don't understand how he can judge how I would react when he is around more.

He has told me that he doesn't feel we could pack things in the house at the same time. That we would do things differently. This, though we have never tried. If we haven't given it a chance how does he know it won't work.

I have explained both sides of everything to Pam. I am trying to be as fair as I can about all of this. It doesn't do me any good if Pam doesn't know everything.

Pam's take on it: he's the guy and he want's to have the upper hand in the relationship and when I don't do what he wants or what he feels I should be doing, he calls that being defensive. If he is looking for someone who will do what he says he has the wrong person.
I will not let Robert or anyone take away my voice or my choices in life. He will either need to adjust to that, if that is what is going on or things will never work out.

He does get credit for admitting he does need therapy (a guy who admits he should be in therapy - very rare). The thing is he has crappy insurance and can't afford to go.
He loses that credit when he comes back with, I'm lucky that I've had the benefit of therapy. True, I'm lucky but I really didn't have a choice. Without therapy, I'm not sure where I would be or if I would be. I would have had to find therapy some way, some how if I was going to survive life.

I could go on and on but I'll spare you. It's enough to say that things have been tense between us lately but we are going to try again. There needs to be some give and take on both sides. I believe he feels it is all my "fault" and I am the one who needs to change, I told him we both need to make changes.

I would also like to have both of us write down what we feel a relationship should be and compare what we list to see how close we are.

Time to make something to eat - and watch for the mouse.

Oh bother.....

Putting off Ironing!

What I should be doing right now is ironing. I just can't get myself to do it right now. I've been "decluttering", otherwise known as packing so I can get my house on the market. This is otherwise made fun by the pain in my knee that just gets worse during the day by the more that I do. The thing is, I haven't figured out how to get things done without doing them myself. Yup, I can ask for help but that help is not always around when I am ready to do things so I find it easier to do it myself - except for the pain. I've been icing it and putting heat on it and it doesn't seem to matter. What helps the most is just staying off of it but I find it difficult to get things done around the house without walking.

Today is one of those days that I wish I had already moved and was in NC. Who needs 2 feet, yes 2 feet of snow! Not I, and I'm sure not a lot of other people. The only good thing about the snow is I was forced to be inside all so I did get a lot done. Oh yea - the bad thing is the pain.

The offer is still out there for any of you who have extra time on your hands to help me pack. Just bring some boxes with you.
Also, the china is still here so if you know anyone who might want it, let me know.
There is a dresser in the basement and a hutch that I am willing to part with. I have been using the bottom part of the hutch but the top part is in the basement. The glass on one of the doors needs to be replaced but otherwise it is in good shape.

I may be willing to part with other items. In the long run it just might be cheaper to buy once we move since the cost to move is done by weight and some of what I have is heavy furniture.

All I know is I will be happy when the "decluttering" part of the packing is done and the house can go on the market. I know I will have to keep the house clean but trying to get everything cleaned out but keeping enough stuff out to live is a task that sucks at times.

Well, the clothes still need to be ironed. No one has done them for me. So, I will hobble over and get that chores done before I lose the very last bit of energy I have.

Now - to wait for the warm-up this week so the 2 feet of snow will melt.

Where does the time go?

Already it's Feb. 1st. How did that happen? Wasn't it just yesterday that it was the first of the new year? Where does the time go and why does it have to go by so fast?

I have started packing/decluttering and sometimes I think there will never be an end to how much stuff there is in this house. Of course there is 20 years of stuff to go through. I am attempting and so far I am actualling accomplishing this - do some cleaning/packing every day no matter how little or how much. I figure if I take one day off, that will lead to another and another and .... you get the picture.

Just like everyone, I have things in my house that I don't use or need.
There is a long dresser (yes Bernie, it is the one from the apartment in Hartford) in my basement that I am willing to give away. There are other pieces of furniture that I am probably willing to part with. I also have a set of China (either 6 or 8 place settings), that I have never used and don't ever plan on using. If you know anyone who wants these items let me know. Arrangements can be made for someone to pick them up. Cost: best offer.

Oh and just a little humor for anyone who has ever been on call for work.
Last night a production job abended. The command center at work called the beeper but the person who was on call never uses it because he is always at home and will always answer the phone. Well, somehow his phone number in the call list got changed so when they called him, they obviously didn't get him.
As they are suppose to, they called the next person on call. She has just been added to the call list and I'm her "buddy". Well since she wasn't on call and was just backup to the person on call, her phone was not in her bedroom so when she got called - she didn't hear her phone ring. Being next in line, they called me but when I go into a sound sleep, there is no waking me. The phone maybe 3 feet from my head rang long enough for them to leave a message. They proceeded to call the next person on the list who at least answered his phone but didn't know how to correct the problem so he called someone who could help him. The decision - force complete the job and wait until normal work hours to fix the problem.
I noticed the job abened when we received the "hang report" email. Then I checked my voice mail at home.
The funny part of all this is - we are going to be switching from a beeper to a cell phone for on call. I keep telling them I can sleep through a ringing phone but this is what they want to do.

The good news, I may never have to get up in the middle of the night again.

Time for an Update

A lot is happening in my life right now and I think it calls for an update.
Robert and I are going to be moving to North Carolina this year.
I spent the past week interviewing Real Estate Agents. Talk about taking in more information than one can absorb at a time. I talked with 4 agents and now to review the data and decide which one to use.

The "fun" is about to begin. It's time to unclutter the house. Read - start packing and putting things out of site. Also there is some work to be done to get the house ready to sell. Not major work, but it still has to be completed.
It will probably be March by the time the house is ready to hit the market.

You all do know you are welcome to come over, with boxes in hand, and help to pack and unclutter. I will not turn away a willing worker.

I suppose that once the house is on the Market, I will need to seriously scan the Market in NC and contact the agent there and get things moving.
I'm told that my house will sell in 30 - 60 days but it could be as few as 5.

I am still hoping to be able to tele-commute and keep my job when we move. As the time gets closer, I will work with my boss on what will happen. They can't flat out tell me no since one of the guys moved to GA last year and he is tele-commuting. They would have to have a good reason to not allow me to do the same.

That about covers everything to date on the house.

For those of you who don't already know, my daughter made the Dean's list her first semester of college and with the exception of squeezing by in Geography, she had 1 B and the rest A's.
She heads back to school tomorrow and classes resume on Monday. Some of her classes will be some what easy since her High School History and English classes, though Honor classes were taught like they were college level courses.

That about covers everything for me. I'm tired and it's time to relax.
Oh BTW - who's turn is it to take the clothes out of the dryer?

Time for an Update

A lot is happening in my life right now and I think it calls for an update.
Robert and I are going to be moving to North Carolina this year.
I spent the past week interviewing Real Estate Agents. Talk about taking in more information than one can absorb at a time. I talked with 4 agents and now to review the data and decide which one to use.

The "fun" is about to begin. It's time to unclutter the house. Read - start packing and putting things out of site. Also there is some work to be done to get the house ready to sell. Not major work, but it still has to be completed.
It will probably be March by the time the house is ready to hit the market.

You all do know you are welcome to come over, with boxes in hand, and help to pack and unclutter. I will not turn away a willing worker.

I suppose that once the house is on the Market, I will need to seriously scan the Market in NC and contact the agent there and get things moving.
I'm told that my house will sell in 30 - 60 days but it could be as few as 5.

I am still hoping to be able to tele-commute and keep my job when we move. As the time gets closer, I will work with my boss on what will happen. They can't flat out tell me no since one of the guys moved to GA last year and he is tele-commuting. They would have to have a good reason to not allow me to do the same.

That about covers everything to date on the house.

For those of you who don't already know, my daughter made the Dean's list her first semester of college and with the exception of squeezing by in Geography, she had 1 B and the rest A's.
She heads back to school tomorrow and classes resume on Monday. Some of her classes will be some what easy since her High School History and English classes, though Honor classes were taught like they were college level courses.

That about covers everything for me. I'm tired and it's time to relax.
Oh BTW - who's turn is it to take the clothes out of the dryer?

A New Year

It's 8 days into the new year and I've yet to update everyone on what is happening.

First of all, I ran into Debbie at the grocery store today. Okay, I didn't actually run into her, but I almost had to trip her so she would see me. She lives in her own little world in the grocery store, I can't imagine how she knows what she is buying. I managed to avoid my shopping for about 20 more mins while chatting but then I needed to move on.

We have a new manager at work that we are trying to break in. He seems alright so far and I need to remember he doesn't know our systems. He is constantly looking for information or seeing if we need him to step in for us to get things done. We'll get him trained soon so he doesn't drive us crazy. The one thing we need to break him of is the weekly staff meeting he has set up. He says for only as long as we need them. Most of us don't want them at all but, he is trying to learn so we gave him some leway. These better not last long because they really are a big waste of time.

Customers not knowing their job. That is what I've been dealing with. They either don't follow through on what they are trying to do or they try to get someone else to do their job. After 6 days off from work, I got stressed out my first day back to work.

The people in the business centers just process transactions without checking all the information all the time or if the transaction doesn't work in one system they will do it in ours and when it doesn't work - they blame us. Let's not find out why it didn't work in the system that issued the policy, that would take time on their part.

Then I have one customer who doesn't know the difference between a project plan and a test plan. She also doesn't understand why I am telling her she needs to write a test plan for me to do my testing (she is on the business side) but I don't have one she can use as an example. How hard is it to put down what steps have to take place, who is responsible for them and when they start and end? She woud rather try to get me to do this but I won't. She doesn't get that I can't go any further with my testing on the project until I get this but since it's not their priority, it isn't going to get done right away.

On a bright note - I finally was able to get my CPAP machine and I am starting to feel more rested. It is amazing how much better one can feel in the morning when they don't stop breathing in their sleep. Now we just have to see if my sleep walking goes away and if I stop seeing things.

For now that is about it.