It's Almost Christmas

Christmas is only about 7 days away and I haven't finished my Christmas shopping yet. This is NOT like me. This means I need to go into stores when they are crowded and I hate the thought of doing that. The good news is, I don't need that much and if I don't get everything, it will just wait. I can't deal with shopping at this late date and I started to late to do everything by mail. Oh well, I will do the best I can and no one will be left out.

On a brighter note - I asked Robert to come to Mom and Dad's on Christmas with me and he is actually considering it. This is better than the no answer I usually get or the implied no that I usually get. I will gently work on this over the next week. He knows it's important for me to go and be with my "family" on the holiday and I will go no matter what he will say.

And did anyone happen to hear World War III that took place in Boomfield on Monday night? I'm not sure how you could have missed it. The good news is there were no causilties of war and everything is okay between us. Maybe better than okay. I think in a way we needed to go there and get all the shit out of our systems. On Tuesday we were able to sit down and talk like adults (though I am reluctant to say adults because that implies I've grown up and I've figured out what I'm going to be as an adult - and that isn't true).

Work has been interesting lately. Management (those people you don't trust when they are in their business roles) are telling us that everything is good, we are taking on more work and we don't have to worry about our jobs. They are not planning on off shoring our positions, just those systems which will be sunset (going away in a year or 2). We are also going to be taking on more work over the next year. Some of it will stay with us but most of it will go off shore since it will be sunset.
To this note, on Jan 3rd, the area I work in gets to break in a new manager. Our manager who we don't want to lose is going to be handling the area where most of the work will be off-shore. She is doing this now and also trying to be there for us and she is spread too thin.
It seems every time we turn around there is something new being done in the area. Not that I mind change but it would be nice to leave things alone for awhile.

But, no matter what management tells us about keeping our jobs because the upper management is happy with our work and they could get rid of us at any time, I just don't trust them. Our director says he is telling us everything but I've heard that line before, more than once.

Only time will tell. I will just go with the flow and do what needs to be done. You can't fight the system, just go with it.

Professionals or NOT?

Are there really any professionals left out there?
I've had a leak in my bathroom ceiling. The company I've been dealing with have tried the smaller cheaper fixes (which I agreed to), why replace the roof if you don't have to. We thought the leak was fixed and except for repainting the bathroom ceiling, they had the ceiling patched and the work was done.
Well, the rain over the weekend has proved that the leak is somewhere under the first layer of roofing tiles. I called the company on Saturday. The second time, the called me back and I was told they probably wouldn't be able to get out and put a tarp on my roof right away.
Well, the rain slowed down but I didn't hear anything from them on Monday so Tuesday morning I called them back and around 11 I received a call from them stating they've been working 24/7 because of the rain on Friday and they didn't know when they would be able to get out and do anything. He suggested I call a roofer. I wonder how he expects me to find a roofer to come out if they are so busy they don't have time to come and put a tarp on the roof.
So I called a couple of people yesterday who, as expected did not call me back.
I will need to try and make calles today while I'm at work. Not only will I have to have at least part of the roof re-done, the work to patch the ceiling has to be re-done. When I know the leak is fixed, I'm and going the have the ceilings in the house painted.
I think I'm getting jerked around because: it's not a big job compared to some of the others they have and I'm female and they figure I don't know what I'm talking about. I do know, they will not get my business any more and I will not recommend them to anyone. I can't believe all the work they have scheduled is from current customers.

And to make matters just a little more exciting, that little excitment yesterday killed the relaxed attitude that I had since I had take a couple of vacation days. I go back to work today, all worked up, having to try to squeeze in phone calls between dealing with people who are suppose to know what they are doing and don't.

I can't get away from it. I already know that there is going to be a meeting about why "we" need to support something since the area we feed the information to doesn't want to support it. It is an uppermanagement directive that we support it. What seems to be the problem here? This other area has a lot to do and is short staffed from my understanding but that isn't my problem, they should just hire more off shore programmers - that seems to be the way of the company. This is also one of those wonderful systems that at some point in the near future we are going to have to take over and support.

Isn't life just wonderful. You can do everything you are suppose and still get slapped in the face because other people are idiots and not competent to do their job.

I for one can't wait to get out of the rat race.

How to Put 48 Pounds of ...

How do you put 48 pounds of shit ... sorry, I mean how do you put 48 hours of work into a 40 hour work week?

That is the question that we were basically asked by the director of our area this week. What they really mean is - if you can't take on more work and do it right, we will just have to outsource the work.

We were told on Thursday that as the Production Support area we will be taking on a number of other systems starting around the end of the year. I'm not sure of the exact number of systems or the current number of employees which support those systems. Let us just say that whatever the number of systems are, there are 20 people supporting those systems today. When the all famous "we" take on those systems, we may get 5 of those employees who support those systems today. The systems will be documented either before they come over or shortly after. Doing this documentation, called Knowledge Acqusition (sp) Process is very time consuming and you really can't work on anything else while involved in the documentation process.

Once the system has been documented, the production support area owns it. We take over the on-call, handle any fixes, keep all software at the current level and so on and so on.

Anyway, our task for the next week is to come up with something that we do that possibly we no longer need to do, that could save at least a day a month if not more.
Some of the task may be able to go to the customer area to be done and they will take them on once they are done screaming about having to do the extra work. Maybe we do something because it's always been done that way but no one ever uses it.

The way I see things in aother year or 2, we will not have jobs because we are not born in India. To many jobs are being outsourced to the India work force. I don't blame the little guy. They are just trying to make a buck like we are it is the corporate world that is after the almighty dollar. Hiring workers from India saves companies a lot of money and that makes the bottom line looks better.

So - I just want to know how we figure out what items we drop out of our everydays task so we can cram more shit (read work) into our work day.

The Day After

There were 5 of us from AMES that showed up at Cindy's wake last night. The family was surprised that people who hadn't associated with in in 10 - 15 years would even remember her, never mind show up at her wake to pay their respects.
Her husband remembered a couple of us. Her parents and brothers never met us but we stood there and tried to figure out when Cindy had left AMES because they couldn't remember.
I think her husband, Richard is going to be okay in time. He's not afraid to ask for help, it's just going to be hard living his life now after living his life as her life for the past 2 years.

Most of us know that we should cherish our family and friends, they are the most precious things we have in our lives. Don't forget this and don't let the time with them slip by. Don't forget to save the small things in life from those you care about and love. The had at the wake last night and memory album with some thank you notes that Cindy had written to her grand parents, pictures of when she was growing up, school pictures, all sorts of family pictures, college graduation pictures and the most precious of all - from the cruise she took in Feb. with her husband, brother and sister-in-law. They had a picture of her kissing a dolphin. She made the most of that cruise - really went all out to enjoy herself and I'm glad she got to take it.

One of her brothers took the time to make a DVD of a number of pictures they had and they played it at the wake. It was very nice. You could tell they were actually trying to celebrate her life.

Remember the good times that you have with those closest too you and always try to live for today. If you have young children, start to save whatever you can, build scrap books with them and get them involved. Make sure your children get to know their grandparents if at all possible and anyone else who will enrich their lives.

Last night had a major impact on me, seeing everything that Cindy's family had saved over the years and were able to put together. A sharp contrast from the number of pictures that were found from my childhood.

And just a point I would like to put down here before I sign off for today: Cindy's passing has had a bigger impact on me, then when my own mother passed away almost 3 years ago. That is one heavy statement since it has been 12 - 15 years since I have seen Cindy and only started emailing her once I found out she had cancer.

Sad Day

I get up every day and log on to check my email and read the obits before going to work. Yes, I read the obits. It is the only way that I will know anything about anyone that I know from when I was growing up. Also, a friend of mine has been trying to win the battle with cancer - she lost that battle on Sunday and it was in the obits today. It's a hell of a thing to read on 4:30 in the morning. There is no one to call. I just sat here, sort of in shock. Just because I knew it was going to happen, doesn't mean when it does, it is any easier.

There were emails and IM's and phone calls going on all morning. There will be a number of us who worked with Cindy at Ames, going to the wake on Thursday night.

Cindy was without a doubt, one of the best co-workers and then bosses anyone could have asked for. She was fair, kind, understanding and easy to talk with.

I am probably the only person she banned from going into the computer room.

She cared about her job and the people who worked for her. You weren't just another body in her department. You wanted to do your share and make sure you did your job right.

She was an amazing manager and co-worker. There were a number of us who "grew up" together at AMES.

The shock of this will take some time to get over. But I would like anyone who reads this to remember, that life is precious and material things just don't matter all that much.

Cindy took a cruise in March (I believe it was) and when she came home, she told me it was nice to feel "normal" for a week. I am glad that she was able to do that for herself. Shortly after that time, is when things started to get worse for her but, she never gave up fighting.

The College Freshman

Yes, Becky is at College and has been there since Tuesday when her father and step-mother moved her in. I talked with her briefly today and she was off with some of the other girls, or should I say, young adults, and was down in Bridgeport. One of the girls in the dorm comes from Bridgeport and they are staying the night at her house and they were all checking out the boats. Tough life they have right now. That all changes on Monday when they begin classes so I'm glad they are getting out there and having some fun.

Becky sounds good. I know classes haven't started yet and things can change but so far so good. She has made new friends in the dorm already and that is a good thing. I had no doubt in my mind that she would be okay. I asked her to call me Monday or Tuesday after she had been to a few classes and let me know how things are going.

All and all - things are positive and on a bright note if you know anything about her Dad, he hasn't called her once and that must really be "killing" him to not have control of her life.

Until next time ...

More than meets the eye

I was chatting with my cousin from Florida the other day and she was saying how she was remembering all the summers she spent at our house when we were growing up (all I remember is one). She thinks it would be a good idea to get her daughter and my daughter together so they can get to know each other. Stranger request if you ask me. The 2 young ladies haven't seen each other since they've been about 4 years old, they are not 18 years old. They have not kept in touch to talk with each other, just birthday and holiday cards.

I personally can't imagine that the two of them have anything besides hockey in common and they are totally different people in the way they were raised.
My cousin has tried to get me to go down and go for a 4 day cruise with her but I have to keep reminding her, that I have to pay air fare and it's not cost effective for me.

For now I have put her off. She teaches and starts school down there on Aug 2nd and her daughter will be starting college and Becky will be starting college. I don't know when we will be able to get together. I think there is more behind this then the 2 girls getting to know each other, I think she is going to try to get information out of me. I am very cautious about how much information about myself that I tell her. She will tell her mother and then it has a very good chance of getting back to my sister, which means it gets back to the man who calls himself my father.

My cousin and I are not that close that I want her trying to get information out of me or end up going somewhere with her and my aunt and my aunt starting in on me. She doesn't get how I feel about things and why I have handled things the way I have. Someday they will ask one to many times and they will hear the truth and it just might not be any good for their health.

So, to make a very long story short, I just don't trust what might seem like a very simple request on my cousins part. That simple request could end up causing me a lot of aggrevation that I don't need in my life.
And besides all that, she never really pushed and tried to get the girls to know each other all those other years, why the big push now? One has to wonder. Or, at least I do.

Did You know?

That when you are in REM sleep you are suppose to be paralyzed from the neck down! I didn't know that until last night when I went for my sleep study and it was explained to me. Though some of us during REM sleep actually move around. This just means that our bodies aren't getting the rest that is needed so we can function properly the next day.

The sleep study: I can't even tell you how many wires they actually attached to my head with this cement like stuff (that I'm still trying to get out of my hair). They put sensors above your eyes, on your legs, an ekg patch and something to check your breathing. And let's not forget the sensor that goes on your finger to check for the oxygen level.

It takes a little getting used to being all "wired" up but sleep I did. The good news is, I didn't have enough episodes during my sleep where they needed to put a mask on me but I did have some episodes. The report will go to my doctor and he will determine if I need to go back and get fitted for a mask.
I was told that I move around a lot and I did snore but, not as loud as some have told me I do!

I managed to stay in bed all night and not get up and walk around, which I guess is a good thing since I couldn't go very far all hooked up to those wires.

Now it's just a matter of waiting for the results to get to my doctor and for him to contact and let me know what the next step is.

My next "fun" medical activity is a colonoscopy in August.

And then I need to get my TSH level tested, watch what I eat, exercise - all in the name of good health. No one should have this much fun

Tom Cruise Says ....

I don't know if you've heard or read any of what Tom Cruise has said about the use of Anti-depressants or other psyciatric drugs but this has angered me. He feels they don't help, they actually hurt people in the long run. There are natural products that can help and the meds just mask/or help you cope with what is going on.

Well, I thought the whole point of the meds was to make life easier, while you tried to figure out what was causing all the pain and turmoil to begin with. Yes, we know that to get off these meds, we must ween ourselves off under doctor supervision. We also know, that for some of us, who have had major depressive episodes, these meds are life savers. Some people wouldn't be here if it was not for these meds. Those natural products don't always work and they are not regulated so you never know how much of the product you are really getting.

I would like to see Tom Cruise if he was battling Major Depression and the natual ways did not work. Would he still say medications were not the way to go if he couldn't get himself out of bed in the morning? Thinking of suicide all the time? Couldn't get himself to do anything? Sometimes medication is all about getting yourself to a point where you are able to function, jump start yourself, so you can move onto the next step.

I for one hope, that most people don't take what he says to heart and start to take themselves off medication. Coming off medication is a decision that has to be made with your therapist, doctor and yourself. If you are on multiple medications, you need to decide which one goes first. Tom Cruise is actually doing a unjustice to the public who can be so vulnerable.

I don't usually get so passionate about these issues but when someone who is in the public eye comes out against something, which a large number of the population uses for many different reasons, one can only pray, the public is smarter than to fall right into his trap without at least speaking to their therapist.

Vacation Re-lived

First of all my therapist, Pam, told me last night that I need to book another cruise since I'm doing so much better than when I left. Now, to figure out where to go and see if I can afford to do this. I can always find the vacation time - just need to work around other peoples vacations.

My first comment is, if you live close to the port of embarkation, take a Limo and save yourself the hassle of driving in the traffic and all the rest of it that comes along with self-park. It was great being picked up at my house, having someone put the luggage in the trunck and being driven to the port. No driving, no traffic worry, what a way to start the vacation! !

We were at the port early enough to do pre-boarding check-in. There was a wait after that until they were ready to let us board the ship but once that process started, it was a breeze to get on the ship. Since we had done the pre-boarding, it was a matter of getting our sail and sign card, our boarding picture and our picture for the sail and sign card. The off to find OUR cabin. Home for the 8 day cruise. When we got to our cabin - we unpacked a few things, checkout out our extended balcony and up to the Lido deck for Lunch.

Of course there was the mandatory Life Boat Drill. There we met one of the entertainers (but didn't know it then), Tony Ray, who was one of the crew in charge of our muster station.
Once that was over we were free to roam around and then get ready for dinner. We left port 2 hours late since re-fueling the ship took longer than planned. We missed the statue of Liberty on the way out for multiple reasons: we were in the dining room, from our balcony we would have been on the wrong side of the ship. But, that's okay - we are on our cruise and nothing will spoil that.

Our table mates showed up for dinner somewhat late since they wanted to watch the ship leave port. They were very nice and their names are: Cookie and Eileen. We had a great time at dinner when all 4 of us managed to get there.
Sunday was the first formal night and Bernie and I slept right through dinner. I guess that is what being relaxed does to a person. We woke up and left the cabin at different times and didn't catch up to each other the rest of the evening.
Bernie ended up at the Casino Bar and that is where she found Tony Ray entertaining the crowd. The Casino Bar became the "hang out" place of the week when Tony was playing. It was a lot of fun, even though Tony could hardly talk. The show became a sing-a-long, even though that is not what it starts out as. After that night I started to join Bernie at the bar. It was a lot of fun.

They had horseracing, yes I said horseracing, on the ship and Bernie and I manage to buy a horse. We had to decorate the hourse, write some hitory about the horse and provide some information on the hourse as to what races s/he has run.
The horses needed to be carried all around with you, it was one way to adertise your horse.
It is a lot of fun and if you have a chance to play on your next cruise, I would sugget that you buy one.
We didn't win the horse race or any of the other prizes but we had a great time none the less.

I enjoyed the 4 sea days that we had. They were very relaxing. We played some bingo. Can't resist trying to win some money or on the last day a free cruise. I didn't play the other games they did in the lounge but I did listen and they were fun. I'm just not good enough at trivia and such to play.

The visits to the Islands were fun, except San Juan. It poured while we were in San Juan and we stayed on the ship. There is just no fun in shopping in the pouring rain.
We went shopping in St. Thomas and did the Kon Tiki Party Tour and in Tortola, we went to Virgin Gorga. The only thing is, we just didn't have enough time there. I want to go back when there is more time.

Over all, the cruise was marvaleous and I would do it all over again.

Now to find a cruise for next year and figure out when I can book it.

Signing off for now....

So where have I been?????

So, where have I been? What makes you think that I am back? I'm still wandering around looking for me. But even if I don't find me, come May 13th, I will be on the Carnival Legend in NY leaving on a cruise! ! Yes, people, it is that close and I can't wait for a well needed vacation. It's been about 2 years since I last went on a cruise and a lot has happened in that time. I need some "me" time and chill out time and let's not forget the PARTY time! My daughter reminds me constantly that I owe her big time for her 18th b-day since it takes place while I'm on the cruise. This is the same child who gets nothing from either household and is so deprived we should be reported (year right!). When you are all done laughing, you can continue.

I went out shopping for clothes yesterday for work/cruise and talk about being depressed. I did find some pants and tops but I was so frustrated. I told my daughter when she was going to try on a couple of dresses that if she didn't hurry up, I was going to lose it right there in the store. Well, I survived the shopping trip and until someone figures out how to make me lose weight fast, I don't want to shop for clothes again! Ever!

For those of you who don't know, I quit smoking in Feb. It was a little tough and I still crave them once in a while but I'm over the worst of it.

Also, about 3 weeks ago, I went back on Seroquel because I was anything but stable. I couldn't stand being with myself, never mind the fact that Robert didn't know how to handle my mood swings. I spent weeks getting stressed and overwhelmed before I decided the best thing to do was go back on the med.

Things have leveled out and I'm trying to stay on top of things so I don't get stressed out. There are some anger issues showing back up that I thought I had dealt with and put to bed. Now, to figure out how to get what I need (once I figure out what that is) and try to put this anger to rest again. We think it's because Becky will be taking another big step in her life soon and once again things are being done so much different for her then they were for me. Yadda Yadda Yadda...

I hate those things that run in cycles and in the words of a therapist (and not Pam), especially when you don't have control over it.

So, in between keeping my anger in check, getting things ready to pack, working, I need to call and set up an appt. for an in-take for a psycho-educational group at UConn in Farmington. It is a 12 week program and starts in the beginning of May.

It is different than other groups I've been too - this is mainly educational, they really aren't looking for people to share their own stuff.

Okay...so that's what's been happening in my life.........

The Latest

There hasn't been a whole lot going on overall but to keep you up to date on the few things that have been going on, it's time to update everyone.

My friend Maggie (who has Lupus) has found out that her 23 yr old daughter also has Lupus. They had her daughter tested about 6 months ago and all was well. And because she wasn't improving (headaches and joint/muscle pain), they had her retested and found out that she does indeed have Lupus.

Yesterday (2/10), I quit smoking. I will see how long this last. My biggest problem has been the anxiety that comes along with quitting. There are times I can't stand being around myself, it gets so bad.

Today, I am sending the letter to my "aunt" and telling her what her husband did to me all those years ago. It will be interesting to see if I hear anything back from her and how long it will take to hear from her. If I do hear from her it will be interesting to see is she knows anything.

After today, it's a matter or waiting. But, I also know, that I may never get a response from.

Oh Well. That is is and I really need to get ready for work.

Have a good day - since we dodge the last snow storm.

I will be sending a Letter

I saw my therapist last night and she is not discouraging me about sending the letter to my aunt. All she is asking is, I wait a couple of weeks to make sure I'm stable after having a hard time. She doesn't want this to toss me right back where I was and I can't argue with her. I also need to talk to Robert and let him know what I'll be doing. I'm not sure he'll understand my need but I feel he needs to know because there is the possibility of all sorts of emotions going on around this. It's not nice to spring emotions on him, if I know they might be coming.

I have a number of choices on what to send. I have the letter I wrote just this week, full of anger, I have the one I sent the Bastard almost 2 years ago. I could send both of these or I could send the one I sent the Bastard with a different letter with it. These 2 weeks will also give me time to figure this out.

In a perfect world, I would be able to confront the Bastard in person. I can't do that without picturing myself turning into that scared little girl. Pam things I could do it. If it were something I was going to do, it would have to be done with professionals around. For now, I am taking the safe way.
I know what I really want is for him to admit to me, what he really did and I'm sure I will never get that. But, telling his wife will at least make him admit that he did (unless he dances around it). I don't know how she'll react, and personally, that isn't my problem. If anyone calls me, I don't have to talk to them. I know it's a possibility and I'll deal with it, if it happens. Pam and I have time to talk about it.

That's the latest. I will let you know what I decide.

Finally - The Holiday Season is OVER

I am happy to say that the holiday season is over. I enjoyed Thanksgiving and Christmas with Bernie at her parents house.

From the middle of November even until now, I've been having a hard time. It's a very tough time of the year for me, as it is for most survivors. It has been made more difficult by the passing of my mother in Nov 2002. It seems a lot of the feelings and emotions that I had pushed away since then decided they were going to surface this year. My feelings have been all over the place, not helped at all by the lack of sleep. My sleep seems to be getting better at this point, so I can only hopes that it lasts. I tried Sonata for sleeping. I stayed on it for 3 nights and stopped it. It actually made me worse with the side effects. I must have cried for a week, it messed so with my emotions. Though, "they" tell me crying is not a bad thing. I bet "they" haven't cried for a week!

So, I made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas came along. Becky decorated the house with my Christmas Village (which I didn't want up). So, I didn't just have to deal with the tree being up, I had to deal with the Christmas Village as well. She gets so excited over the holidays, that I will never take them away from her no matter what I have to go through. I couldn't do that to her.

Christmas night, I started to take down the Christmas stuff and it did take me a few days to get everything put away. But I couldn't keep it all up. Then, along came New Years Eve, probably the hardest of all the holidays for me to get through. A day or so before New Years Eve, I started having a very hard time. The urges increased and all I could do was fight them. As far as I knew, Pam was away and I wasn't ready to talk to Richard about what was going on. Come to find out, Pam wasn't away but I didn't know that until I left her a message on Friday night.
Anyway, along with the tough time, the tears came, some more memories came, the self-blame came back. It really sucked the big one!
Pam and I left some voice mails and finally talked on Sunday night and decided to meet on Monday since I had the day off. I must have cried through most of that therapy session.

It has taken time, but I have moved out of the self-blame mode (I'm not sure how but I think it has something to do with repetition and writing letters).
Anger has moved in for what has happened and what I want to do, is a send a letter to my "aunt". I want to tell her what her husband did to me. I can bet that the letter I sent him almost 2 years ago never made it into her hands and if it did, he did a good job of talking his way around it. I have this need to expose him for who he really is. Maybe it's revenge, I'm not sure. Maybe it's just time to say, enough is enough and even though I wouldn't take him to court, he needs to confess to what he did. I want him to acknowledge what he did. I know he will never acknowledge it to me and if he did, there would be no way I could forgive him if he asked for it. But having to admit it to someone, there will be some justice. He will no longer be able to hide behind himself and keep what he did to me (and who knows, who else) a secret! I think that is what I'm looking for.

I think I need to take this step in order to take the next step in my healing process. I don't want this to come up every year and hit me like it did this year. I know enough to realize that it will be there but I don't want it to consume me, I don't want it to own me.

Robert has been pretty good through all this. It's hard for him to understand what I'm going through and how all this has hit me. He wants me to talk to him about it and I will tell him some but not all. I keep trying to explain to him, that what I need from him is for him to just be here with me. That he doesn't need to know all the details, that is what all you (my friends) are for and what Pam is for.
He is starting to understand, that I just need him to be here for me.

It is time for me to get ready for work. So, off I go.
I would appreciate your thoughts and comments on what I want to do.